I booked to have an abortion at 10 weeks

I am 23yrs old and have a son who is 5 and have been with my partner for 7yrs. We planned our first child and I had a good pregnancy until I went into premature labour at 27weeks. I had my son who weighed 2lb 4oz and luckily was born with no health issues. He stayed in hospital for 3months until he was able to feed and breathe on his own as you can imagine this was a very hard time for us as a young couple but we managed and my partner decided that he never wanted anymore children because of this traumatic experience. I always new I wanted one more and always had faith my son would be fine. In 2008 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome which can affect fertility and was told it was not likely that I would ever get pregnant. I took it hard but then came to terms with the fact that I would never have a baby so we convinced ourselves it would never happen and stopped using contraception.

Pregnancy against the odds

I found out in October 2009 that I was pregnant, I was terrified, I had all the symptoms, it was so real. I was a mess and my partner was adamant I was having an abortion. I went to the hospital for a scan and found out I was 10weeks and 4days, due on the 16th May. I booked myself in to have the abortion the next week still not sure if I could go through with it. This wasn't just taking a pill, it was an operation and I was scared! Friday came. I got to the hospital feeling all over the place and felt like this wasn't me I was watching someone else. By 11.30 I was ready to run out of there but something held me back, maybe the thought of losing my partner if I didn't get rid of our baby, maybe the thought of losing my son's dad or maybe me? I didn't run I had it done and was home by 6pm. By the time Monday came round and the pains were easing off the guilt set in... and it hasn't gone away. It's there more than ever. I can't get over it and don't think I ever will. I still don't know why I had the abortion. My partner still hasn't asked how I am.

Editor's Comment

I am so sorry you were not able to think through this decision more fully. I wonder if the trauma you experienced with your son made you panic and rush into the abortion without thinking it through carefully. The belief that you were unlikely to get pregnant again must also have added to the shock. Sometimes starting the process of abortion can feel like getting on a rollercoaster that you can't get off, and you almost need someone to say to you 'stop and give yourself some time to think this through'. I do believe there is help for you despite how you are feeling. You can call an advisor on the national helpline 0300 4000 999 or follow the link for centre details find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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