I had to abort the baby because he wasn't ready to be a dad

I was sixteen when I found out I was pregnant, I hadn't been with my boyfriend for long, but at the time I thought it was serious, I was falling in love with him more each moment. I went to the doctors once I had missed my period by a week. The pregnancy test came back negative, but I was told by my doctor to go back two weeks later if my period still didn't show. I could already tell myself that I was pregnant, and I confided in my boyfriend, wanting to know how he felt about the situation, and what he wanted to do about the baby.

He said it was my decision

He told me constantly that it was my decision and that he would stand by me no matter what. It was my decision. I explained to him that it wasn't just mine and that he must have a say in the situation as well, but he wasn't having any of that. He never told me how he felt, or what he wanted,and this was when everything came spiralling out of control. I stood by his word, it was my choice, right? Two weeks came round and still no period, I went back to the doctor who confirmed that I was pregnant. I had been with my friend, who was very supportive. I told the doctors that I was going to keep the baby. I then had to tell my boyfriend. That's when everything went wrong.

He wasn't ready to be a dad

He broke up with me and told me I had to abort the baby because he wasn't ready to be a dad. I was confused, upset and clearly the hormonal rush of the pregnancy didn't help everything. I went home and cried. I didn't know what to do. I told my Mum that I was pregnant the day after,and she told me that she would support me throughout everything. In the end I decided to get a termination, because in my heart I loved the guy that lied out his arse to me and ended it because of a baby. I had said I would abort from the beginning if he wasn't ready. The doctors were confused as to why I changed my decision but the termination went on. My Mum came to the first meeting at the hospital with me, she saw the scan herself, and she nearly cried. I had to speak to nurses there to make sure I was making the decision I wanted. I then had to go back the day after for the oral tablet, which would stop the blood circulation to the baby. This obviously kills it. I was told there could be pain during this.

One of my best friends criticised me

My friend had come along to support me through this,but then afterwards she spent the rest of the day critising me for what I had done. I understood that a lot of people didn't agree with abortions, I understood that, but I never thought for a second that one of my best friends would critise me for doing this. I was even more upset. I had to go back to the hospital two days later to have four tablets inserted vaginally. and that's when it all ended. My Mum came with me on this day, because it was her that I needed the most. It should have always been her. The worst thing about the whole situation was to see what could have been. When everything "came out" I sat there and cried in the toilets, it was awful. Yet there was only one thing I could think of properly, "why isn't he here?" I wanted him to see the state I was in. I knew it was both my fault and his as to why this happened, but he promised me he would be there, supporting me throughout everything. My Mum was sat in the waiting room, texting him when I came out! I told my mum that everything had come out, and she told me that she had felt pain herself. I didn't realise that your own mother could feel the pain herself. It was wierd. I was given the contraceptive injection after everything was over and sent home.
I logged into facebook, sitting there crying, and read his facebook status's saying "something isn't right". I emailed him, "no, nothing is right, because I just aborted OUR baby, I hope your happy!" It has been 3 months since the termination and still to this day I feel distraught about everything. Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is what could have been. It really is the biggest thing I have ever been through in my life. I see people I went to school with having babies, and saying that they want to get pregnant, they want to be a mum. I just sit there and cry because I could have been.

Editor's Comment

You have had a very distressing time, and it must have been very difficult at 16 to handle your boyfriend and friend letting you down so badly.
People often make this decision because their partner does not want the baby, and they think it will save their relationship. It is very painful if the relationship ends anyway. I'm glad you have your Mum to support you and care for you. It sounds as though she has found it very upsetting as well.
If you would like more help and support or someone else to talk to about how you are feeling please ring the helpline 0300 4000 999, or follow the link for an Online advisor, or help to find a centre for post abortion support in your area. for post abortion support.
This story was sent in on 22/02/2010 and it's been viewed 1,215 times.

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