I feel so ashamed and guilty about my 2 abortions

I have had 2 abortions and there is not a day that doesn't go by without me thinking about those two innocent lives that I killed and wish I could turn back time.
Nobody knows about these apart from my husband and so can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed and guilty. What makes it worse is the first one I decided I wanted to keep but had to go all way to Birmingham which cost over £100, which my husband paid in train fare in advance, and I was too scared to tell him and his reaction. They seemed so cold at the clinic and I lay on the table in pain, in tears and picturing my baby in that dish throughout.
Afterwards I imagined them disposing of my baby in a bin like a piece of rubbish ,a nothing but to me it was, it is, I even named it Grace secretly. Why wasn't I brave enough to tell him?

The images of those innocent babies

The second one I had nearly 3 years later after 2 more beautiful children. This was again down to his wishes but I too thought it best as our relationship isn't great and I was already struggling to cope as he offers no help. So the very thing I thought I'd never do again I did again with uncertainty and tears and still endless guilt.
I feel so ashamed to be blessed with the children I have when I have killed 2. I know I don't deserve no pity and deserve the feelings I feel, but sometimes feel I can't cope another day like this. Don't know how I can go on with the images of those innocent babies forever in my mind. A few weeks ago I stupidly while searching for support on facebook came across a site with pictures of babies born very prem at like 12 weeks , 20 weeks etc and made me feel worse knowing my baby would have resembled one of them. Why did I do it? Wish I could change the past.

Editor's Comment

one thing is certain that we cannot change the past, but we can change the way we think about it. You have many regrets and have suffered immense loss that in some way you were a victim to pressure and feeling powerless in your situation. Knowing the reality of your loss is very hard but it may be the beginning of seeking help and coming to terms withe what you have been through. There is hope for you if you can have the courage to contact someone and receive it. please ring our national helpline to get contact with the support you need 0300 4000 999. You can also follow our link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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I wish I could turn back the clock

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