I feel so ashamed and guilty about my 2 abortions
Nobody knows about these apart from my husband and so can't talk to anyone because I feel so ashamed and guilty. What makes it worse is the first one I decided I wanted to keep but had to go all way to Birmingham which cost over £100, which my husband paid in train fare in advance, and I was too scared to tell him and his reaction. They seemed so cold at the clinic and I lay on the table in pain, in tears and picturing my baby in that dish throughout.
Afterwards I imagined them disposing of my baby in a bin like a piece of rubbish ,a nothing but to me it was, it is, I even named it Grace secretly. Why wasn't I brave enough to tell him?
The images of those innocent babiesThe second one I had nearly 3 years later after 2 more beautiful children. This was again down to his wishes but I too thought it best as our relationship isn't great and I was already struggling to cope as he offers no help. So the very thing I thought I'd never do again I did again with uncertainty and tears and still endless guilt.
I feel so ashamed to be blessed with the children I have when I have killed 2. I know I don't deserve no pity and deserve the feelings I feel, but sometimes feel I can't cope another day like this. Don't know how I can go on with the images of those innocent babies forever in my mind. A few weeks ago I stupidly while searching for support on facebook came across a site with pictures of babies born very prem at like 12 weeks , 20 weeks etc and made me feel worse knowing my baby would have resembled one of them. Why did I do it? Wish I could change the past.