I wish I could turn back the clock

I had a medical abortion 6 days ago.
I am 20 years old and in my 2nd year of university studying for a nursing degree. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock, even though my period was a week late, when it is normally like clockwork, I was still shocked. I told my boyfriend and he just wanted to do whatever I decided to do.

Straight away I assumed I'd be having an abortion

I felt I wasn't ready to bring a baby in to the world. I told my mum, and she said she wouldn't support me if I decided to keep it. She basically told me I'd be having an abortion because I'm young and still doing my nursing degree. It hurt knowing she would disown me if I kept it. I wish she would have been more supportive then maybe I would have thought about it more.
I went straight to the doctors who told me I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had to wait a month for my appointment at the hospital. I didn't look at the screen when I had the scan, but now I wish I had because it could have changed my mind. I was told I was 9 weeks 5 days. I had to have the medical abortion because the doctor was not there till May for the surgical abortions. 6 days later I had it.

It was the worst experience of my life

I was in so much pain, I didn't start bleeding until 7 hours later, the pain stopped and I "passed" my baby. They tell you not to look, but it's impossible not to. I cannot get the image of my tiny baby lying in my pool of blood out of my head. I don't know how I felt that day or night. But the next morning, as soon as I woke up it hit me. I wished my baby was still inside me. I felt empty. I instantly regretted what I had done. I still do. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't.
I wish I thought about my decision more. I didn't even think about keeping it. I knew my boyfriend and his mum would have been there for me, and helped me, but I still assumed there was no option but for me to have an abortion. I've cried every single day and I feel as though I am never going to get over the fact that I have killed my baby. I just wish him/her was still inside me.

Editor's Comment

This is a tragedy that you felt so tunnel visioned and were unable to look at your choices and see how the other options could work out for you. Sometimes shock and fear can make it hard to look at a decision like this properly, but it is sad that you did not seem to have had counselling to help you look deeper into how you might feel after abortion. We have had a number of stories about seeing the baby after a medical abortion, and many women say that this is the hardest image to erase from your mind. If you would like some help and support to help you with this experience please contact us through our national helpline 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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