I wish I could turn back the clock
I am 20 years old and in my 2nd year of university studying for a nursing degree. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. When I found out I was pregnant I was in complete shock, even though my period was a week late, when it is normally like clockwork, I was still shocked. I told my boyfriend and he just wanted to do whatever I decided to do.
Straight away I assumed I'd be having an abortionI felt I wasn't ready to bring a baby in to the world. I told my mum, and she said she wouldn't support me if I decided to keep it. She basically told me I'd be having an abortion because I'm young and still doing my nursing degree. It hurt knowing she would disown me if I kept it. I wish she would have been more supportive then maybe I would have thought about it more.
I went straight to the doctors who told me I was 5 weeks pregnant. I had to wait a month for my appointment at the hospital. I didn't look at the screen when I had the scan, but now I wish I had because it could have changed my mind. I was told I was 9 weeks 5 days. I had to have the medical abortion because the doctor was not there till May for the surgical abortions. 6 days later I had it.
It was the worst experience of my lifeI was in so much pain, I didn't start bleeding until 7 hours later, the pain stopped and I "passed" my baby. They tell you not to look, but it's impossible not to. I cannot get the image of my tiny baby lying in my pool of blood out of my head. I don't know how I felt that day or night. But the next morning, as soon as I woke up it hit me. I wished my baby was still inside me. I felt empty. I instantly regretted what I had done. I still do. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't.
I wish I thought about my decision more. I didn't even think about keeping it. I knew my boyfriend and his mum would have been there for me, and helped me, but I still assumed there was no option but for me to have an abortion. I've cried every single day and I feel as though I am never going to get over the fact that I have killed my baby. I just wish him/her was still inside me.