I gave my little girl up for adoption

I gave my little girl up for adoption, and will regret it for the rest of my life. When I got pregnant with her, I had nothing, no job, no money, no home. I was too embarrassed to go to a doctor or hospital, so I kept my pregnancy hidden.
At around 25 weeks I knew I had to do something for my baby, so I walked into the social services offices and told them I wanted to put my baby up for adoption. The lady who I saw was awful, demanded I tell her the names of everyone in my family, whom she would inform about my situation, regardless of the fact that I hadn't spoken to any of my family in years.

I walked out, and if it hadn't been for the baby inside me I would have ended my life right then.

Fortunately, a few weeks later, an angel showed up in the form of an incredible social worker, who was kind and not in any way judgemental. She ran through how we would go about adoption, and gave me her number for when I gave birth. When my daughter came I was completely unprepared for just how much I would love her. However, I felt I had to go through with the adoption as I'd consumed so much of everyone's time, and thought they'd take her anyway for merely suggesting adoption in the first place. I wish I had stood up for myself.

I should have screamed at the top of my voice that I wanted to keep her

Instead I was weak and let everything and everyone take over. I now have 3 beautiful boys, but can't help feeling that I'm being punished for giving my only little girl away. I know I had nothing to offer her but love at the time, yet every day I think about how different my life would be with her in it. Some people think that adoption is an easy option, but I can assure people, its the hardest thing anybody has to do.

Editor's Comment

It must be very painful to imagine your family with your little girl, and to feel that it is incomplete. You made a brave decision to continue your pregnancy, and tried to do what you felt was best for your child. You are blaming yourself now for being weak, but at the time you were faced with no job, money or home, and that was a difficult situation to face with a new baby. Adoption is a difficult decision and grieving the loss of your child is very painful. Perhaps one day your daughter will want to meet you and heal some of the hurts from the past.