Pregnancy and parenthood, simple and natural for many, painful journey for some
Harmless but devastating conversation
Pregnancy and parenthood, something that comes naturally, simply, surprisingly, or planned for so many. It is a struggle for some. A painful journey for an unfortunate percentage.
It is a major topic of conversation once you reach a certain point in your life and when it should seem like a harmless conversation it can be devastating and produce feelings of jealousy. Feelings of which I never want to associate with children.
I am so happy for all those beautiful children and families around me. I sincerely want to hear all of the details about new pregnancies and the kids of friends and family around us. I dream of a day that I can join in parental conversations and share my own experiences.
So many with the same miscarriage struggles
When I do feel sorry for myself and our situation, I quickly remind myself that there are so many people with the same struggles. Maybe longer and even more painful struggles. I am not naïve to all that does and can happen. My heart breaks even more for those who have gone through worse.
Yet, I still need to allow myself to grieve and feel the heartbreak we suffer. To push the feelings aside would only cause more problems
Cautious excitement after a miscarriage and a year of trying
One miscarriage and a whole year of trying to get pregnant, we were cautiously excited about getting pregnant a second time. Pregnancy symptoms kicked my butt for 6 straight weeks.
I tried not to read about pregnancy, babies, or anything related until that first ultrasound confirmed a heartbeat. Even during that first ultrasound, the verification of seeing and hearing a heartbeat I could not allow myself to feel fully joyful.
The doctor said the chances of miscarriage are lower once a heartbeat is confirmed
The doctor reassured us that the chances of miscarriage lower to about 2% once a heartbeat is confirmed.
Finally, I could begin to allow myself some excitement. Although negative feelings haunted me daily, I pushed them aside. As the 11th week progressed, I had mixed feelings. Some of my symptoms seemed to be fading but it was hard to tell through my week long cold.
The fading symptoms could mean miscarriage or just be fading due to approaching the second trimester. I also had a sense of relief as I was reaching the second trimester. Soon we could share our news with everyone. Time had crept so slowly!
I saw spotting and was scared
When I saw I was spotting… I was scared. My initial reaction was to cry and get a hold of the doctor’s office as soon as possible. It was like I had been setting myself up for disappointment, the way I was able to handle the whole situation and day. When there was no heartbeat to be seen on the ultrasound… instant tears.
Our biggest dream continues to be crushed
Our worst fears had been confirmed. I felt betrayed by my own body. How could I have not known sooner that the baby had deceased? I felt like a fool. Anger, sadness, and fear.
What does this mean for the future? What is wrong with me? Why can’t we experience this amazing miracle like so many others? One of our biggest dreams continues to be crushed.
Somehow even with all the negative feelings, I feel stronger this time than last time. Only, I cannot fathom experiencing this again. All I want is to move on from this and restart fresh. In my weakest moments, I want to be left alone or I only want my husband next to me.
Each month will be a journey
I believe my strength has come from within myself, my husband, and our support system. The best medicine from those around us is their assurance of how much the situation hurts, stings, and plain sucks. Be in the moment with us. Grieve for us and with us. Love and pray for us. Do not compare us to others because every situation is unique and its own.
We cannot try to understand why this is happening and most likely we will never know why we have to endure this. That is okay. I realize that we all have to deal with pain and suffering in our life and most of the time it is unexplainable.
Only He knows. I have trust that this is His will and he holds me in his hands and that His plan is greater than what I want and dream of. At times, that makes it easier to accept. But it is so difficult not knowing what the future holds. How much will we have to endure before our dreams come true?
Now to begin at square one, each month will be a journey.