A planned pregnancy so why does it feel like a crisis?

Is this a crisis pregnancy when it was planned?

It shouldn't be, but it feels like it is. I am happily married with two children, 2 years and 3 years.
I am an older lady and wanted to try one last time for a child of the opposite sex to the ones we had got. My husband did not want a third. He agreed because I did not want any due to being scared of not doing a good job basically - my own background issues for which I have had counselling and have made a success of my life - until now.
When it was taking longer to get pregnant than before, I panicked. My cycles were changing. I had some medical ailments pointing to menopause.
I then worried so much because I was desperate for one last baby, whatever the sex - I didn't care.

I just wanted one more baby.

My two were born close together because of my age and I felt I missed out on the first year of the second one because of being so busy with the first. Then I got pregnant and I got scared - really scared. I thought immediately that I had made a stupid mistake. Panicking over my age was silly; not enjoying what I had got now but concentrating on what I felt I missed out on with the second was silly; not listening to my husband was even more silly.

We have no family support or friends that can help us.

We both have to work to keep our finances going. We are having to sell the house to reduce our mortgage. Our marriage was suffering at times because we had no time for each other - it was all taken up with children. Whilst I was thinking of an early termination, I got swine flu and pneumonia and Christmas came in amongst that too. My husband got a touch of fu. We really struggled. The children never had a decent Christmas - not one cracker was pulled. It was rubbish and brought it home to me that we just cannot cope.
Then one of my children had a nasty accident and needed surgery. It was minor surgery and accidents happen with children running around but it made me realise that I need to take care of the two I have and not put more strain on the marriage and family life we are already struggling with.
It also made me feel that life is precious. I am over 16 weeks. I have a moral issue with going ahead with a termination because of the development of the fetus; because of the stupid reasons of wanting to get pregnant in the first place; that if I go ahead with a termination, I will be punished in some way - something may happen to my children. If I keep the baby, I am terrified of resentment and the baby doesn't deserve it because it never asked to be made in the first place; that I will get depression (have a history of it; have been sectioned under the Mental Health Act years ago); that I will never be able to look after them all well enough and the two that are already here with mummy and daddy, will suffer.
I had booked a termination a week ago. Went to the clinic.

I was told of the procedure and then couldn't go through with it.

My husband was with me. He would have preferred a termination because he never wanted a third baby. He also told me to leave the clinic because it was something that we could not go through with either. He was really supportive. For a few days, I tried to be happy and positive about it. We looked at a travel system to make life easier with the others at school and nursery soon. Kept telling ourselves it would be fine.
But each night, I have nightmares that I cannot cope; that this is the end of my life; that I have to have the baby because it's my fault that it's on its way; that I was so stupid in the first place. It's not the children's punishment; it's mine.
I still think about a termination but I just don't think I could do it - in my mind, it seems the right thing to do and to concentrate on the current family but I know what happened last time at the clinic. It's such a mess and it's all my fault.

Editor's Comment

It is very sad that your anxiety is stopping you from enjoying your pregnancy and the anticipation of a new baby in the family. I think that if you had not become pregnant you may well have been living with constant regret of what might have been.
I can understand your worries after a series of difficult events that put you under pressure, and would not want to belittle the difficulties you face. However, I believe you can come through these ups and downs. No one can pretend that a new baby is not hard work but if you continue with the pregnancy your eldest child will be starting school soon, and the youngest will be at nursery, so there will be times when you have more breathing space. If you would like some more support to talk through your pregnancy, and consider your options please contact us for help. You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for crisis pregnancy support in your area.

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