19 weeks pregnant, the worst and best time of my life.

I have been carrying my child for 19 weeks and this has been the worst and best time of my life. I had never wanted to start a family until I met the love of my life ten years ago. For both of us it was lust, love and creative compatibility at first sight. He was my true partner. [and handsome] We worked for and with each other, building a beautiful home and making plans for the future. Our only difference was in our experience of family. While mine are loyal, close and interwoven into one anothers' lives, his family were estranged and had a darker history.

We discussed starting our own family

I felt convinced that the union and solid home we had built together would continue to heal and re-assure my lover's insecurities and self doubts. Two years ago we attended hospitals and received IUI treatment together, I bought books and changed my diet, finally I went to an acupuncturist and together we tried burning scented sticks and had sex on my most fertile days! SUCCESS!! I knew immediately! Tried the text and SUCCESS was drawn in a pink line. My partner was speechless, then the next day when I came home from work he wasn't there. I received an e-mail saying he needed some time to digest this news and was taking some time away and when he came back he would be supportive - not to contact him. The following week he returned, and was cold and distant. We hosted a dinner party for our friends who told us their good news, that they were expecting a baby - my partner congratulated them and asked if they had thought of any names yet... Several days later I received another Mail on my return to the house - he had gone - and then again gone to London - and then again Abroad, on holiday this time - gone and back - then gone and back - until he said "I do not want this child, I do not want to be a father, get rid of this thing now".

He couldn't bear to see or look at me. He wanted to separate immediately.

As far as he is/was concerned he will never be a father, and will pay me some monies in the future to cover the investment and contribution I have made to his successful career and the house which I worked for and helped him acquire. I was and am devastated. Each evening as I walk away from work I start to shake and panic. Each night I wake myself with my sobbing. I have been to see a midwife and doctor and the baby is gloriously healthy. I look haunted, gaunt and hardly recognise myself when I catch a glance of myself in the mirror. Making a new safe home for my baby and myself is important, but I am worried that I am doing some harm to my child with this terrible grief. For ten years this man and our life we were building together was my priority, my focus and my love. Now everything has changed. I will now be an older [42 years] single parent without a home, with a smashed heart and broken spirit - but I will not give my baby up for this man. My life is pain and I am glad to be pregnant.

Editor's Comment

It is very sad that your partner's insecurities have lead to him walking away from a loving stable family. He must have had time to think through starting a family with the fertility treatment you went through. I wonder if he felt that a baby was taking his number one position in your life. Whatever the reason he could have communicated his anxieties and fears with you so that you could talk it through. If there is any way that we can help and support you, even if it is just a listening ear please do contact us.find a centre for pregnancy support in your area.

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