16 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend says, "get rid of it".

I just want to say I am heartbroken. I'm almost 16 weeks pregnant and have no choice but to have this abortion which will take place next week once I get a date :( Firstly I found out I was 5-6 weeks pregnant at the end of Sept 2012. My boyfriend and I had been seeing each other for 14 months, but not living together. We went to the hospital to talk about the abortion pill. I have all ready had a medical abortion in Feb 2012 but I was only 4 weeks pregnant then and we had only been together 2 months at the time.
I can say that the abortion pill was very painful. I bled so badly after taking the first tablet and ended up in hospital over night, and it came away the next day once I got home. I was in labour for 3 hrs till it passed down my mother's toilet. I was crying, but I must say once it came away I was totally pain free and in the arms of my loving mother who supported me through out that abortion. So did my boyfriend and I was back to my old self.
I thought I would learn from the guilt and pain I went through not to get pregnant again, unless planned by myself and my boyfriend, but at that time I had a lot going on with my life.
My children's father was giving me lots of grief over my boyfriend at the time and just making my life hell..he brainwashed our 2 older children and they have been living with there father for 9 months. They are both teenagers but in time when they wake up I hope and pray they come home to me again. Our youngest remains with me.
I spent 12 years with my children's father in a violent relationship ,so it was wrong to keep that baby at the time with all what was going on...plus my boyfriend was not ready to become a dad...but as I say here I am again.
I am almost 4 months pregnant and the reason I've left it this long is not my choice. Twice I went to have the abortion at the hospital by being put to sleep, but the doctor that was doing the abortion said I was too unwell with my chest to be put to sleep. I was 5-6 weeks when I found out and 8-9 weeks when I was first booked for an abortion. My chest was so bad I was on lots of tablets to clear it up which took 3 weeks so then I was 10-12 weeks. I was ment to go last week but by then I could feel my baby moving around. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was looking on the internet about light bleeding as I had this for 2 days. I saw pics etc and read the progress at 12 weeks etc and I thought omg my baby's got legs,arms its now a proper baby.
I had a bit of blood that week so my doctor sent me for a scan the next day. Once I went into the room the dr scanned my belly and I heard the baby's heart beating so fast. He showed me my baby and said it was all ok and I thought I'm so happy it's alive and everything is ok.
I came out the hospital crying with joy that it was all ok, but also crying to think my boyfriend is not gonna be happy to think I'm keeping the baby, as at that point I made my mind up to keep the baby.
I told my boyfriend that I'm 100% keeping the baby even if he doesn't want to know as he didn't want our baby back in Feb with the last abortion.
I thought even though he didn't want children etc what do I do? kill my baby at 14 weeks and crack up over what I've done being so far gone just to please him. I could keep my baby, millions of other single mums do it in the world why can't I?
ok I know I've got 3 beautiful children already but I can't kill my baby. The last week my head feels like its ready to snap :( but since I've told him I'm keeping the baby he has been vile to me saying, "get rid, I don't want it, I don't want you, I don't want kids with a girl that's got baggage".
He don't want his baby to have step brothers and sister etc.
I have cried morning, day and night. I feel so depressed because now I feel I have no choice but to have the abortion next week. My family are great and say they will stick by me 100% if I keep the baby and they'll help me through it if I don't keep it.
I've told my so called boyfriend to leave me alone no more contact, he's leaving me no choice now, I hate him so much and never want to see or hear from him again!!!
what right has he got to say he wants to know when and where I've got to go next week for the abortion? He wants his baby dead in my eyes, I've now turned my phone off as everyday he's texting or ringing me asking me to hurry up and get rid of it as he calls it!!
I've tried everything to talk to him but he doesn't care....I'm crying as I'm typing this now. I'm so mixed up I just hope and pray I can get through this as the last time I was only 4 weeks now I'm almost 16 weeks and will be 17 weeks by the time I have it done. My baby's moving, I'm starting to show, by boobs have doubled in size etc I feel so pregnant...do you think I'm making the right choice by having the abortion next week? I could never forgive my so called boyfriend for this. All I know is he has ruined my life!!! thanks for reading this and listening to me....
Editor's Comment I am very sorry you are having such a difficult time, and it is sad that your boyfriend has turned against you and started pressurising you to have an abortion, when you had decided to keep the baby. No one can tell you what the right decision is, only you can make that choice.
However, I think it would help you to think it over and talk to someone independent. It sounds as though your relationship is over, and so you should make the decision that is right for you. Don't be pressurised into a decision that you are not happy about, because you may feel that you have lost your relationship and your baby. If you are feeling uneasy about going ahead with abortion call the national helpline and talk to an advisor. No one will pressurise you into a decision, but they will help you to work out your own thoughts and feelings about the way ahead. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for pregnancy support in your area.
This story was sent in on 13/12/2012

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