I’m 29 years of age and have twin girls as a result of fertility treatment...who are 6 and a half months old .

By anonymous on 21/08/2008
I’m 29 years of age and have twin girls as a result of fertility treatment - ICSI, (intracytoplasmic sperm injection) who are 6 and a half months old . My husband and I had tried to conceive for 3 years but were unsuccessful because of a male factor problem. So this resulted in us going through ICSI. I have now missed a period and am feeling really nauseous, so have taken a pregnancy test which is positive. I can’t believe how something like this can happen after what we have been through. I figured that the chances of us conceiving naturally were very unlikely due to the quality of my husband’s sperm. If the problem were with my fertility then I would have taken precautions as I know women can be more fertile within the first year of having a baby. To be honest, we haven’t even slept together that much recently as we are so tired with having the girls. I’m devastated. I always longed for that test to be positive, month after month, but it never happened naturally.

Now I am in such a dilemma. If the timing were different, say, a year or so on, I would be ecstatic but I just don’t feel that I could cope with a newborn and 14 month old twin girls. I also don’t feel like I can go through another pregnancy at the moment. I am only 6 months post c-section and feel like my body is still recovering from the whole carrying twins and birth experience. I had a difficult pregnancy and developed pre-eclampsia. I had a horrendous time. I would probably opt for another c-section second time round to be on the safe side and don’t think it would be good to have another one so soon. I waited so long for my girls and love them so much; I want to enjoy them and give them everything I can. I want to be there as much as possible for their first years and just enjoy the whole first time parent experience. I don’t feel that I would be able to do this if I were going through a further pregnancy and then caring for a newborn. How could I possibly breastfeed while also having two 14 month olds to care for?

I’m also worried about money. I am due to return to work following maternity leave in October. I would only be back four months before starting maternity leave again. We are really struggling financially at the moment as I am on SMP, God knows how we would cope with more maternity pay and three children. I can’t imagine that this would go down well with work at all, especially as they are trying to accommodating me returning on a part time basis. The only two options that I can see open to me are going ahead with the pregnancy or termination. At the moment the second option seems more likely for me but at the same time I don’t know if I could live with myself taking this action. I would feel so guilty as I know a lot of people who are trying to conceive and going through treatment. I know how it feels to long for a baby and yet here I am considering a termination. Life is a funny thing. Yes, maybe I should have been more careful, but when you are considered to be an infertile couple and had fertility treatment, contraception is the last thing on your mind, especially when you hardly ever have sex. I suppose I would just like to hear your thoughts and possibly some reassurance about making the right decision. For health reasons and for the sake of my girls I just don’t see how I can continue with the pregnancy.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in with your story…You are obviously in a very difficult situation, feeling the pressure of having twins to care for, a job to go back to, money issues, a possible troublesome pregnancy, a possible second c-section and thoughts of how to breastfeed three children! They are all circumstances; some are real now, some are still possibilities. Remember that sometimes fears can be exaggerated – we all experience this when we think about things in the night. In the morning, they seem different.

Having said that, my chief concern about your story is that you are saying, ‘I don’t know if I could live with myself taking this action. I would feel so guilty’. This is your heart speaking. Your heart has its own logic and it’s important to listen to it as part of the decision-making process. Someone famously said, ‘The heart has its reasons about which the mind knows nothing’. The heart’s voice is as valid as the meaning you make of your circumstances. Only when you have considered your circumstances in conjunction with your heart’s beliefs, instinct and conscience can you make a decision that is not based on fear or panic, but on what’s important to live by. Please talk to someone at your nearest centre, on the helpline or use Online Advisor for some more support.

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