We were going to start trying for a baby this fall. I went off the pill, quit smoking and started taking prenatal vitamins.
By anonymous on 21/08/2008We were going to start trying for a baby this fall. I went off the pill, quit smoking and started taking prenatal vitamins. We still were using contraceptives. Then bang. It happened. Neither one of us predicted it would happen the very next month, putting the delivery sooner than expected or wanted. At first, my partner said, ‘whatever you want I'll be happy’. Then two days later he said, ‘have an abortion or I'm leaving you’. And on the third day he left. He called the police to ensure I didn't ‘harm him’ while he moved some of his things out. (He's 6 foot 4). He called a lawyer to see if there was any way to get out of child support payments. He said he'd sue me for half my house if I didn't get rid of ‘that thing’ (I owned my home before him and he lived with me rent free). He didn't call me to find out if I was okay and he slept with a hooker.
And I know this because two weeks later, he came back. No apology. Just wanting to come back and sweep everything under the carpet. I am not allowed to ever mention it again. So I let him back. Because I'm afraid to do this by myself. So he is wonderful to me and is treating me better than he ever has. We never fight and everything is blissful. Proud father is telling everyone we are expecting. Except I feel nothing. Not for him. Not for the baby. Most of the time I forget I'm even pregnant. Really. It's unbelievable but true. I'm an educated 34 year old woman with a professional job and literally, a white picket fence. I can't believe this is happening to me. There is nothing special or magical going on for me inside. I couldn’t care less whether things work out for my partner and me, but I'm scared that my indifference towards my child will always be there.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you have been stunned by your partner’s behaviour and the only thing that’s stopping you reacting is your fear that you will have to go through this pregnancy by yourself. To cope with the amount of anger you almost certainly feel, you have probably had to numb yourself to the point of feeling very little for either him or your baby. Being treated wonderfully and having no fights may sound good on the surface but this is merely a denial of the reality of the situation, a sticking plaster on a gaping wound. He may have tried to control you by leaving and making a fuss; now it seems he is keeping you under control with a false peace. Underneath all that is the wound of his sleeping with someone else. It’s possible he knew you would have him back and this has given him licence to behave in this way. I recommend you seek some good counselling regarding your relationship and understand what you want without this level of control influencing you.
Last but not least, be encouraged that your fear of feeling indifferent towards your baby means precisely that you are not. Your heart connection with your baby is still there; it’s just that your heart is suffering from temporary shut down. You just need an opportunity to express your real feelings towards your partner in order to release your feelings for your baby.
We'll be thinking of you.