My husband and I planned a baby and had our first try two weeks before our wedding.

My husband and I planned a baby and had our first try two weeks before our wedding. A pregnancy test taken on the day of our wedding showed positive and my husband's reaction was "it is almost too good to be true", and... it was. Twelve weeks into my pregnancy the first scan showed a nuchal translucency of 7mm (normal is about 2mm). This indicated a chromosomal abnormality such as Down syndrome. I was immediately rushed for a CVS test to confirm my diagnosis. My foetus had Edward's syndrome, a very fatal condition. 95% of babies that are born with it have multiple organ failures and die within a couple of months. The condition is very rare, 1:3000 pregnancies and 1:6000 births. The day of our first scan we were so shocked. We were prepared to have the first glimpses of our unborn baby and pretty sure everything would have been fine. Then we both cried. We decided to terminate the pregnancy. Tomorrow is my abortion... The last two weeks have been an emotional "I do not know what" for me. It is not a rollercoaster since it feels like only going down. I am having trouble going through my daily routine, I spent my days on the couch, every single little task like going to the kitchen to get me a glass of water, seems like a heavy burden. I have not been to work since then. My work requires a lot of cognitive concentration and I just can't do it. I just feel like sinking in this couch and disappearing for a while. We have both decided that we need to terminate this pregnancy. Indeed there is no point, and many would agree with me if they knew the condition. But I am 33, and desperate to have kids. This would have been our first kid, but it is my third pregnancy. I have had two abortions in the past at 18 and 23 respectively and was not prepared for a third abortion now... And even though I am not a religious person it feels like I am being punished for my previous decisions. I just can't get this out of my head... and it is killing me. Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…You may already have had your abortion and I’m sure it has been a very sad and tearful day of grief for you both. You have obviously been quite low and unable to keep to your routine, understandably. You now need space and time to allow these emotions of grief and loss to flow through you, but these natural responses are complicated by previous abortion experiences. The sense of guilt and being punished, or paying penance, can prevent healing from grief and you will need some support for working through that issue. It sounds as if there may be layers of experience that need to be talked through and come to terms with. You may not yet feel that you have the emotional energy to deal with all this yet, but can I encourage you to get in touch with your nearest centre and arrange to see someone? Just talking about your experiences will help at this stage. We’ll be thinking of you.

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