I'm 20 and had an abortion 6 months ago and now need another one - I keep making the same mistakes

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Six months ago, I got pregnant from some creep at work and had an abortion. I told my boyfriend it was probably just from us not being as careful.

So, it was October I had an abortion and it was horrible. I almost couldn't go through with the procedure because of the physical pain. I never wanted to do it again.

Well, six months later and I need another one.

There is no other choice for me. I can't tell my boyfriend this time; I can't tell anyone.

I need to find a way to get to a clinic and find some way to pay for this without my parents finding out. I don't have much money... at least 100$... at least.

When I went to have the first abortion, the very kind-hearted staff at Planned Parenthood [an American abortion provider] were able to bring the price down to only 100$, which I was able to afford then.

Now I am not only afraid of having another abortion (but I will get over it because I have to), but I am also afraid of not being able to pay, or having the staff remember me.

I don't know why, but that still sticks out. How can I be so dumb to repeat the same mistakes? It's like I feel they will deny me because of that. I might go some other place and I only hope they can bring the price down low enough again for me.

This is horrible.

I'm really trying to think of ways to make myself have a miscarriage instead.

Editor's comment

Thanks for writing so honestly about your situation… there are two things that stand out in your story – firstly, the pressure and panic you feel from your situation and secondly, the shame you feel about being in this situation again. It sounds as if you desperately want this sorted, so that you can carry on as normal and escape the pain of it all. You want to sort the circumstances by ending the pregnancy, but there is something much deeper in you being affected here. Abortion is hardly ever a quick fix. Deep down, you want to protect yourself - as we all do - but you are making choices that are ultimately causing you more pain, not less. Having sex with someone from work, lying to your boyfriend, having the first abortion, then wanting a second abortion (which you will ‘get over because you have to’) and making the ‘same mistakes’ – you know that these things are doing you harm. Yes, it is 'horrible', as you say. You are much more valuable as a person than this. You are being driven by panic and fear and the need to protect yourself at all costs, but there’s a better way of responding to these impulses. Visit your nearest pregnancy support centre for information about all the options open to you, for time and space to discover a clearer perspective on your situation and for the opportunity to come through this in a healthier, more self-respecting way. We’ll be thinking of you.

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