I had been seeing a guy off and on for about ten months.

By anonymous on 21/05/2009
I had been seeing a guy off and on for about ten months. It wasn't a serious relationship, yet was much more than a "one night stand". I am 34, divorced and the mother of a 10-year-old son. The child's father is 28, never been married and childless. I desperately wanted the baby but the child's father was adamant that we ‘just wouldn't work’. He said he wished there was a way to keep it but there was no way. I feel so guilty, as we are both professionals so it's not like we are teenagers, strapped for cash.

I feel so empty and just dead inside. I had the abortion three weeks ago and have cried every single day. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I never wanted to terminate the pregnancy but the baby's father told me he would be ‘as involved as he could’. What, exactly, does that mean? I asked him to please consider the fact that you can't undo this once it's done. He said he was certain. He said he would be there to support me after. He hasn't been. He has moved on and I am left all alone.

I was forced to see a newborn baby two days after my abortion. I thought I would die. I was in no way prepared for the pain I would feel, for the way I would physically ache for my baby. I see pictures of newborns and it is the deepest pain I have ever felt. I feel guilty. I keep waiting for a wave of relief to come over me but so far, I feel none. I was having a hard time the week following my procedure and texted the baby's father in hope of receiving some comfort. All he did was text, ‘I don't love you’ and ‘There was never anything between us…that was the problem.’

I feel completely abandoned. I emailed him the way I was feeling, wondering if he is hurting half as much as me. He told me he can't move on if I keep bringing it up, that we may talk again ‘someday’ and that I need to see a counsellor. No one ever could have prepared me for the excruciating emotional pain an abortion can bring. I am hollow, incomplete and wonder if I will always see babies and feel this intense longing. My baby would have been born December 24th of this year and believe this will be the hardest day I have ever faced.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…you are in a great deal of pain, there’s no doubt. You had an abortion when you desperately wanted the baby. Besides guilt, grief, anger and loss, you have the added pain of abandonment and rejection from your partner. Your partner is probably having to deal with a variety of things going on in him – he felt the demand to commit to the relationship and chose not to. In the end, he rejected the pregnancy and that will cause him pain, even if he denies it to himself.

Now you have to look after you. There is hope. You can go on a journey of recovery that takes you through your story, all the emotions, the pain and other aspects so that you can find a better way of relating to your experience. Just contact your nearest centre. You’ll find that you’ll be received with kindness and compassion and that there is a way out for you. We’ll be thinking of you.

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