I found out I was pregnant two months ago. I had recently restarted my relationship with my partner of seven years...

By anonymous on 22/05/2009
I found out I was pregnant two months ago. I had recently restarted my relationship with my partner of seven years, although the last two years have been really rocky. We already have a four year old son. My partner has always wanted a second child - I have too when the time is right. When I first found out I wasn't excited - I put it down to shock and imagined it would wear off. My partner was over the moon! I have since been trying to share his enthusiasm but something hasn't felt right. I am now 12 weeks and really starting to panic as the feelings I have towards the pregnancy are so negative! I feel closer to my four year old than I ever have, and am so worried that he will have to miss out on the most important year of his life when he starts school. I want to be able to concentrate on him and give him my undivided attention. I think part of this is due to feeling guilty about what he has had to put up with over the last two years when his dad and I have been arguing and apart.

I’m also really worried about the strain on our relationship. At the moment, we are trying so hard to build our relationship back up and overcome past problems. In a way, although it seems selfish, I can’t help but feel we need some time to spend as a couple before we put the strain of having another baby. I have spoken to him about my feelings, and he tries to reassure me, but nothing can change my feelings deep down. I am now 12 weeks and am so confused at what to do. I have both a consultation for a termination next week and also my scan. I don’t know what I will do yet - but I feel guilty for even considering a termination, yet the thought of another baby at the moment fills me with dread.

Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you need to separate the two issues of your relationship and your pregnancy to assess how you feel more clearly.

Firstly, your son…It sounds as if your guilty feelings about the attention you give him are informing your doubt about having another baby. That’s understandable – but it may not be true. Your fear may not reflect reality. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is suffering or, indeed, will suffer. In fact, many good things can come from having a sibling and it might help you to consider the opposite of what you fear. Make a list and see what you come up with.

Secondly, your relationship seems to be the bigger issue. It may be that you have deeper doubts about the viability of your relationship long term and you are trying to avoid another tie to him. Perhaps another baby feels like a greater commitment to him, but you haven’t yet made up your mind whether this relationship is workable. In other words, it may not actually be the pregnancy that’s the problem.

You need to ask yourself if - and how - an abortion would solve the relationship issue. It may not mean that keeping the baby would mend the relationship, but neither would it mean that an abortion would make it any better.

It would help you to think of the pregnancy for its own sake, apart from your circumstances, and listen to your heart feelings that are being dampened right now. The fact that you feel guilty for considering a termination means that you do have some instinctive feelings towards your pregnancy, but you’re afraid to release them in case they are interpreted as a commitment to the relationship. Don’t make the pregnancy decision into a relationship decision.

It’s important for you to talk this through with someone who understands – ring the helpline or visit your nearest centre for an honest but kind conversation about your relationship, your options and your feelings about being a mum again. We’ll be thinking of you.

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