The day I found out I was pregnant I didn’t have much feeling about it. I stated straight away I was having an abortion and that was final.

By anonymous on 27/07/2009
I am due to go back to the Marie Stopes clinic at the end of this week to try and go through with an abortion again. I have never felt such fear and sadness in my life. I am in a really good relationship with a guy who really is the love of my life - he is everything I could want. He has always wanted kids and I never did. I have always vowed to myself I never wanted them; I never liked being around them. I use to get really annoyed if they were in shops when I was clothes shopping or eating next to me at restaurants. I even thought I had a fear of pregnant women!

I found out I was pregnant nearly a month ago now. I’m currently seven weeks and one day. I had got away with it the first month and thought I would get away with it again. I had planned to go on the pill but kept forgetting to book the appointment, stupid really. The day I found out I was pregnant I didn’t have much feeling about it. I stated straight away I was having an abortion and that was final - my partner didn't really have much say, just agreed because I wanted it.

Last Monday I was booked into Marie Stopes. At this point the only person that confirmed I was pregnant was myself - so it was a massive shock and a huge dose of reality when the nurse gave me a scan and confirmed I was 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I immediately broke down into tears. She gave me the abortion options, and made the surgical abortion sound the easiest. After the consultation, I went outside with my friend and discussed it with her. I couldn't stop crying and the fear was overwhelming. I was waiting outside for an hour. Before the consultation I was waiting for 2 hours - it made it all that more horrific.

I broke down into tears as I saw a woman walking out with her boyfriend clutching her stomach and in tears and then the nurse called me to come in. I was shaking so much my teeth were clanging together. I was brought into a small room, had to remove my bottom clothes and put a sanitary towel in my knickers into this box. When I got asked into the operation room, it was extremely intimidating. To my horror, there was a man sat next to the small chair I was meant to sit in with tubes in his hands and three nurses stood around it - I immediately started crying inconsolably - only one of the nurses comforted me. I was mortified that I could see what this man was going to do to me and the tubes in his hands. I just wanted to be sick and asked to leave straight away. It was like a scene from a horror film with the chair and the weird man with tubes. It’s an image I won’t ever forget.

Once I calmed down, I just wanted to get out of there. I felt disgusting and wanted to throw up. I could not imagine living with myself knowing that man with the tubes had sucked my baby out of me. It still makes me want to vomit now. Since this has happened my feelings have changed, and I don’t know whether it was the fear of the procedure or the fact that I was getting rid of this tiny baby that is inside of me which could change my life and give it a purpose finally. I haven't wanted to go out clubbing and drinking, which was a big part of my life before this. I have been thinking of names; I believe it’s a girl, I just know it is, and find myself looking at children all the time. I’m crying every day; I’m feeling tired all the time and my head is all over the place. The thought of going back to that clinic at the end of the week petrifies me and I need to come to a decision, I can't walk out again. I feel stupid that I left and ran out like a child, but it’s all a massive shock to me and I just don’t know what to do. I have never had to make such a big decision in my entire life.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in...Your story reveals a mixture of things going on in you. Firstly, there is this vowing to yourself about not wanting children and I wonder what led to you feeling you had to do that. Perhaps there is something about your own childhood that has contributed to that strong decision? Secondly, the revulsion and fear you feel about abortion is quite strong too – perhaps you find any physical ‘invasion’ difficult to face for some reason?

Thirdly, you seem to have shifted slightly in your feelings. Through the fear, other feelings are slowly emerging – feelings that give rise to you sensing that this is a girl, stopping clubbing and drinking, thinking of names and looking at other children. It feels as if there is a part of you that is willing to contemplate the idea of having a baby and being a mother – perhaps a part you denied by making your vow - and this is now awakening within you and you’re not quite sure how to relate to it. This is your head and your heart in conflict. Your head tells you that you don’t want children for all sorts of logical reasons (they’re messy; they’re noisy; they annoy you; you’ll have to change how you live), but your heart is letting you know that there are deeper, instinctive, buried feelings that are stirring.

There also seems to be a tension between the strong fear element in your life; and love. What would it be like to let go of your fear of having a child and allow love to come for this pregnancy instead? What kind of adventure might that be? Or the reverse – to agree with your fear and let the stirrings of love go? Would things then stay the way you want them? Which do you want to win - fear or love?

All of that, mixed with hormonal disturbance, is causing you confusion and emotional turmoil. It might help you to talk this through at your nearest centre – perhaps both of you would like to go. You would have time to talk it through, express your feelings, get some accurate information and understand more about the procedure involved in abortion if you wish. The key is for you to be at peace with yourself – let peace rule in you and show you the way ahead. We’ll be thinking of you.

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