I am 37 years of age and have been having an affair with a married man for the last year.

By anonymous on 30/08/2009
I have just found out that I am five and a half weeks pregnant. I have been with my partner for 10 years and also have a son who is 19 from a previous relationship. I am 37 years of age and have been having an affair with a married man for the last year. The baby would definitely be his. However, I have told my partner that I am not as far gone as I am so he thinks it is his. Both men do not want a baby. The married man has two girls already aged 3 and 5 and says if I don't terminate he will have to tell his wife everything as he could not live with knowing that there is a child out there that he has nothing to do with. My partner says it has come at the wrong time and hopefully we could try again at a later date.

My son left home 8 months ago. There is a big void in my life and I feel that this surprise could fill this void. However it could also mess up several lives... this may seem wrong but I want to go ahead with the pregnancy. With my partner I know it would be living a lie as the baby would not be his, but surely the person that brings you up is your dad and not just the bit of sperm that created you (nature, nurture). I think my married man is trying to frighten me by saying he would tell his wife... I have said I would vanish but he said he would find me. Perhaps the best thing is a termination though I could never go through with one when I was younger and I’m finding it even more harrowing this time around…your views and opinions would be really appreciated.

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…it’s not clear from your story if your partner know about your affair…If not, I think you would agree that you’re living a lie anyway, aren’t you? Having an affair is a lie, if you’re honest with yourself. Good, healthy relationships can really only be built on truth and respect and faithfulness, so that makes me wonder about the quality of your relationship with your partner. That doesn’t mean to say that another lie about paternity won’t matter…it will simply deepen the lie and drive a greater wedge between you.

With regard to the pregnancy, you already have a negative response to termination based on past experience, but you are under pressure from the threats of the married man. He is hoping to preserve his lie as well, isn’t he? Ending the pregnancy makes perfect logic from that perspective – it solves everything, except for one thing…the resulting pain in your heart, enhanced by the loss of your 19 year old from home.

What outcome for the pregnancy will give you the deepest peace? It sounds like you may benefit from a confidential chat with someone who can help you explore your feelings, all the options and give you space to decide what it is you really want and what you can live with. Get in touch via the helpline or your nearest centre as soon as you can.

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