Unplanned pregnancy due to contraceptive problemsBy anonymous on 17/03/2010
I am 25 years old with a connective tissue disorder, on my 8th pregnancy having had 4 losses and 3 live births. Only one resulting after no contraceptive (that one being the suggested "calendar rhythm method"). However, my first pregnancy resulted in my daughter who was born with a bowel disorder, and the entire pregnancy was strained by work, my newly married state and my physical health mixed with being a teenage mother.
I had continuous problems including early rupturing membranes at 16 weeks, 8 threatened pre-term labour episodes, and continual contractions for 6 long months.
The post natal situation was a complete nightmare due to my daughter's post surgery needs and my emotions. Also 99% of my family were still living in the USA and my own mother living near but looking after her 3 month old daughter. However she is now a healthy 6 year old.
My second pregnancy resulted in an early miscarriage (approx 6 weeks/7).
My third pregnancyThis resulted in the birth of my son who was and is built like a Prop in a Rugby team. Eventually he was born after a lot of difficulties, and at 13 days old suffered a strangled inguinial hernia. My initial reaction was "ugh, not another broken baby!". He was repaired and is a healthy nearly 5 year old.
My fourth pregnancybrought on the birth of another daughter. My health problems again affected the pregnancy from 24 weeks with the threatened pre term labour. With this pregnancy I only suffered these 4 or 5 times! Eventually she was born and seemed fine. Until the inevitable. Sunday morning she was screaming more than usual getting her ready for church when I saw she had a strangulated inguinal hernia. I screamed!! I couldn't help but cry. Why? Why another broken baby?
My poor childrenWhy did they always have to suffer? Her repair took longer due to health issues, but eventually was repaired and she is now 3 and a half and fine.
I developed an umbilical hernia with my son and two inguinal hernias from my youngest daughter's pregnancy. So by 2007 when I found out I was pregnancy despite breastfeeding and mini pill, I was terrified and angry.
The consultant said medical terminationOne of my ovaries slightly popped through and got stuck in one of the inguinal hernias at 6 weeks and immediately the consultant said "medical termination. Now." I'd been pro choice, but didn't think it would ever affect me. So on I went and at 10 weeks plus 5 days I did as they said, and was given the contraceptive injection.
Typically against all odds I got pregnant with my 6th pregnancy and lost it as a miscarriage due to the injection's hormones I guess. I prayed for no more babies and thought that was it! But nope. I had three mini strokes due to the contraceptive injection, and was ordered immediately to be taken off the injection. I bled heavily for 8 weeks but was on the mini pill.
7th pregnancyAnd yep, you guessed it! I got pregnant with my 7th pregnancy. I cried and cried and cried. But I really wanted to give this baby a chance if I could since it wasn't it's fault-clearly my body has issues. However at 16 weeks I started having contractions and was advised due to my serious bleeding previously, an abortion was ordered and 36 hours after the contractions had begun, my cervix was dilated and the Mare Stopes Clinic carefully but medically removed my precious baby.
I begged to be sterilisedThey were kind and let me see the remains but I was not allowed to take anything of him home with me. This KILLED me inside and I prayed to God that he would make me infertile and I begged the doctors for my tubes to be tied. They said no because I was 24 and God I'm guessing had other plans. So here I am pregnant, 22 weeks pregnant tomorrow and angry. Hurt. Scared. Frustrated. Sad. Weak. Numb. I'm emotionally exhausted.
My husband insisted I keep it. Was sure this would be the "good one". But after all of my years of birthing, losing and raising kids I am so fed up. Having been on 3 different pills, injection and tried the natural calendar rhythm method thing I can't help but think Bollocks...why am I so fertile and yet my uterus so weak?
I feel nothingI had my scan yesterday but felt nothing. I've had 14 scans but feel nothing. I feel the baby kick, but I feel nothing. I'm so numb and wrecked with exhaustion and partly angry at my husband for never realising how much I've gone through and gotten the snip?! I know I can't place my baby for adoption as my in-laws would go mental and my husband would just not allow it. If I abort this late, it's "morally wrong". If I keep it I must raise a child I just don't want. Having gone through years of bonding counselling to help me with my first child when I was most traumatised, I can't help but think raising another unwanted child is just Wrong. I want to jump, skip or run until it falls out of me. I want to wake up and it not be there. I want God to pull it out of me and take it to heaven where he can love it. Her name is Heidi. She is healthy. Happy and doesn't know how her mother feels. I feel awful because she didnt' ask to be made. But then I did all I physically could to avoid it. I want to die. I want to disappear.
I hate my life right now and can't see past thisI miss my son Rocco who I lost last-I want him back! I wasn't ready to replace him. Please help. I need answers. I wish God to fix it. Why would he keep giving me children that would either die, suffer or that I had to be rid of. He knows everything, so why can't he just pick on someone else and leave me alone...????
Editor's CommentYou have gone through incredible suffering and I can understand your anger,questioning,despair, and anguish at all you have been through. What a catalogue of problems and pain for you. I am shocked that the doctors would not allow you to be sterilised.
If you feel able to contact a local centre an advisor will try to help and support you, and at least give you someone who will listen. Please follow the link to find a centre for pregnancy support in your area.