I thought two children under two was completely unmanageable

I had recently become a mum for the first time with my much wanted and loved first child. To my utter shock, horror and fear I found myself pregnant again.
This was not in 'my' plan. It was way too soon. I thought two children under two was completely unmanageable and I would never cope.
My husband was thrilled when I told him I was pregnant again. I on the other hand was far from thrilled. I spent most of that week crying and being torn over what I was going to do. I knew this was a little life. At only 4 weeks and a few days I knew within a matter of weeks my little one would have a heartbeat. I knew I needed to act fast.
An appointment was booked and before I knew it I was sitting in a clinic-crying again! I do not mean to speak judgementally of the other women at the clinic but I was stunned at how this treatment was being considered as something routine. I found it very difficult to be there. My pregnancy was confirmed via a test and I was scanned. There was no evidence of a pregnancy. My womb looked empty, I was sent upstairs to speak to the doctor. I felt awful as I knew I was reaching the point of no return. Soon my little one's fate would have been sealed. To my surprise I was told I may have a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was sent on my way and told to come back in a few weeks.- Cue more crying!

Relief washed over me as I walked out of the doors of that clinic.

I could not bear the thought of returning there. I was still not ready to have my baby though. We paid for a private scan a week later and a tiny white line appeared on the screen- there was a baby there. I had seen my baby now. I still felt awful- I could not go through with this.
Another week passed and the date for returning to the clinic drew nearer. My baby had a heartbeat by now. My mum in her wisdom told me this was a 'little life.' It was.
After lots of soul searching I made a very (I thought) difficult decision and continued with the pregnancy.
I won't lie. It wasn't an easy pregnancy with such a little one to deal with and I spent too much time worrying how I would cope.
Before we could blink our little one was born. **I can honestly say this child had lit up out lives,** enhanced our family in a million ways and given our beloved first born a sibling they adore. The bond they have is beautiful. This little one is a little blessing. It isn't easy but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. There isn't a day that goes by that I regret walking away from that clinic. I carry a lot of guilt about even going to the clinic. I am so, so lucky that I did walk away though. Love always finds a way.

Editor's Comment

Having a second pregnancy so soon after the first must have made you feel low and anxious. I can understand your fear of not coping and feeling overwhelmed. It is lovely that your story turned out so well and that your second baby has been such a blessing for you and your family. I think the seeds of your true feelings were there even when you went to the clinic, your tears and heart feelings were telling you the decision was not right for you.

This story was sent in on 22/01/2013

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