I thought two children under two was completely unmanageable
This was not in 'my' plan. It was way too soon. I thought two children under two was completely unmanageable and I would never cope.
My husband was thrilled when I told him I was pregnant again. I on the other hand was far from thrilled. I spent most of that week crying and being torn over what I was going to do. I knew this was a little life. At only 4 weeks and a few days I knew within a matter of weeks my little one would have a heartbeat. I knew I needed to act fast.
An appointment was booked and before I knew it I was sitting in a clinic-crying again! I do not mean to speak judgementally of the other women at the clinic but I was stunned at how this treatment was being considered as something routine. I found it very difficult to be there.
My pregnancy was confirmed via a test and I was scanned. There was no evidence of a pregnancy. My womb looked empty, I was sent upstairs to speak to the doctor. I felt awful as I knew I was reaching the point of no return. Soon my little one's fate would have been sealed. To my surprise I was told I may have a possible ectopic pregnancy. I was sent on my way and told to come back in a few weeks.- Cue more crying!
Relief washed over me as I walked out of the doors of that clinic.I could not bear the thought of returning there. I was still not ready to have my baby though.
We paid for a private scan a week later and a tiny white line appeared on the screen- there was a baby there. I had seen my baby now. I still felt awful- I could not go through with this.
Another week passed and the date for returning to the clinic drew nearer. My baby had a heartbeat by now. My mum in her wisdom told me this was a 'little life.' It was.
After lots of soul searching I made a very (I thought) difficult decision and continued with the pregnancy.
I won't lie. It wasn't an easy pregnancy with such a little one to deal with and I spent too much time worrying how I would cope.
Before we could blink our little one was born. **I can honestly say this child had lit up out lives,** enhanced our family in a million ways and given our beloved first born a sibling they adore. The bond they have is beautiful. This little one is a little blessing.
It isn't easy but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
There isn't a day that goes by that I regret walking away from that clinic. I carry a lot of guilt about even going to the clinic. I am so, so lucky that I did walk away though.
Love always finds a way.