I cancelled the appointment and told him I was keeping the baby.

I was breast feeding my second child and had just started the progesterone pill as I was weaning when I discovered I was pregnant.
I had a 3 year old and a 7 month old baby and found myself with an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy. My husband categorically did not want another baby and I knew I was putting my whole family's happiness at stake by considering keeping the baby.
I had only just returned from maternity leave and also knew there would be significant work implications. In addition I had been really very unwell in both pregnancies and would be dealing with 2 very young children.
My head was saying that I should have a termination but in my heart I knew I did not want to.

I used the care confidential helpline who were extremely helpful in discussing head and heart decisions. I attended an NHS termination clinic and spent time talking things through with a fabulous Dr and had an appointment booked at the hospital. I think I always knew I was going to cancel. I did feel under considerable pressure from my husband but when he said to me, "I can't force you to do anything you don't want to do" I realised he was right.

I cancelled the appointment and told him I was keeping the baby. Things were a bit strained but we moved on. The pregnancy was my easiest of my three but we had some post birth complications that put my baby in neonatal ITU but fortunately all went well.
The first year was not easy as I had 3 children under 4 but it flew by. My youngest will be 4 in April. The idea that I even considered terminating the pregnancy now seems odd but those few weeks deciding were possibly the most stressful and upsetting of my life. My marriage is great and I think there was possibly a shift to a more equal power balance. My husband knew I loved him but I was prepared to go on my own with the children and we now have a much more equal relationship. My advice is to do what your heart rather than what your head tells you but whatever decision you make know that you have tried to do what is right for you and move on.

Editor's Comment

You were in an extremely pressurised situation with a young child and a baby, so I can understand your dilemma. In western culture we are often taught to listen to our head and not our heart, but I agree with you that it is really important not to deny what your heart is saying to you. When you block this part of you you cannot be true to yourself as a person, and it can lead to sadness and regret afterwards. I am glad it has worked out for you, and that the helpline enabled you to think things through.
This story was sent in on 16/02/2015 and it's been viewed 68 times.

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