I just turned 26 years and have been with my boyfriend for two years now.
Our situation, I guess, is that my side of the family is very Catholic. Plus my mother wants me to find an upstanding guy (someone preferable making as much money as I do). My mother does not approve of the guy I am with because he is not as educated and already has a daughter who is six years old. We planned to get married before I got pregnant 14 weeks ago but I have not told my mother of the engagement. I guess I wanted him to be done with school to show my mother he is a good guy. I have seen a psychologist about me trying to keep my mother happy. I still live with her because of her but mostly to pay off some of my loans from school. I do not bring my fiancé around my mother but she knows about him.
So I found out I am pregnant with my first child on Jan. 4th! My hubby and I plan to get married now after the baby is born because he needs to concentrate on finishing school and working. I am so scared to tell my mother. I know I have to and had planned to tell her after I’d turned 26 which was a week ago. Everyone tells me she will eventually get over it but they don't know my mother. She hates the baby's dad and I know it is my decision to have him in my life but she won't agree with it. I guess I need some encouragement.
I know I can support this baby and I am old enough but why do I feel like I am a 16 year old girl that needs to tell her mom? We told my hubby's mom and she is supportive. I just feel like I need to be perfect and I am so tired of trying to please my mother’s every wish. I did not get pregnant in spite of my mother but she expects more out of me and I am going to be the disappointment.
I have a younger brother and sister and they’re both thinking of going to grad school. My older brother got married when he was 27 and first kid at 38. Both him and wife have master degrees and a nice house. I didn't want a baby that late in life though. Unfortunately this happened before marriage. I know I have to tell her....I am so scared. Thanks for reading my story, any advice?
Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in…it sounds like you feel locked into a relationship with your mother, and leading a double life so that you maintain the status quo at home, yet have your own life outside. What would happen if your mother did find out that you had grown up after all? What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
Marriage is all about leaving and cleaving; you leave your parents and you join your husband to make a new independent unit. It’s a separation; a new beginning. But your old home and your new are overlapping. You need to make some decisions, take a risk, break free. Every parent knows that children leave; if they didn’t, there’d be something wrong. It’s not right to feel that by leaving, you are betraying a parent. Is this something your mother somehow does to you; or are you doing it to yourself through a sense of obligation? It sounds like you haven’t had a father who led you out of what we call ‘the mother’s circle’. You don’t mention him at all…We all have fears and anxieties about change, but when we do it, we adapt and it all becomes normal. It’s time to make the leap.