When I was 15, I became pregnant. I thought this was the best thing that had ever happened to me.
My baby was taken into care a few months on because I didn't really have the help I needed. I never got her back and every day I am hurt and crying and upset by knowing that I lost her. I don't blame the social workers. They probably did the right thing for her, but I'm a mess now. I'm still in touch with that mate from back then. She was great. She never said I told you so, but she did tell me her story. Round the same time as I got pregnant, she was pregnant. She had an abortion because she knew she couldn't give a child good care. She told me recently that it was totally the right decision. She's never had one minute's doubt.
Now I think I would have been happier now if I had had an abortion. Sometimes I think people are dishonest about abortion. It is often the right thing for someone to do. Having a baby is sometimes a selfish and reckless act and encourages damaged mothers to bring children into the world who will spend years in and out of different care homes and get damaged themselves like I was. It’s just wrong.
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if what you regret is not having the baby, but the pain that has followed as a result of your loss. I find it hard to believe you ever regretted having your baby – you probably have some special memories of that time tucked away. I think you just want to be pain-free and believe that if you had had an abortion, you would now be so.
However, the truth is that many women who have abortions believe that they have made the best decision in terms of their circumstances, but their hearts are in pain – the same sort of pain you are feeling now – loss, grief, sadness, anger, guilt and shame. Many deny that they are feeling that pain, because it is so great and threatens to undo them.
Your pain – the same pain that many post-abortive women feel - comes from the loss of the child you gave birth to and cared for, and you need support to come to better place of relating to what happened to you. Having a baby can never be a selfish and reckless act, (although you can sometimes make that comment about underage sex that led to the pregnancy). As a mother, you would have wanted to look after your baby to the best of your ability, but without support and resources it became an impossible task for you. The fact that you recognise the appropriateness of the Social Services decision shows that you still want the best for your child. What you need help with is what that decision cost you – your emotional well-being.
I’d like you to get in touch with your nearest centre, so that you can begin to tell your story and start a journey of recovery from your pain. It will help you to come to terms with your experience and place you in a better position to make your way through the life you have ahead of you. It’s so much healthier to focus on who you are becoming than on who you’ve been. There is hope. Get in touch.