Just over 3 years ago my partner and I found out she was pregnant.
By anonymous on 22/12/2009Just over 3 years ago my partner and I found out she was pregnant. She very very quickly decided she could not have our child and I knew nothing would change her mind. I was devastated, and felt excluded from what I feel should have been our decision. I don't remember her asking me what I thought or felt about it at all (it was certainly not her first response). I tried to talk to her about how I felt but we clearly had different views even on what it was she was about to do. To her it was not our child, it was an inconvenient bundle of cells that could be disposed of.
I realise now that this is how she had to think about it in order to be able to do what she felt she had to.
I felt left with the decision to support her and just lose the baby, or to try and put across my feelings more strongly and probably lose my child and her too. I decided to support her, but she knew that I did not agree with what she was going to do.
The process itself was horrendous. The NHS referred us to a company called BPAS who were very impersonal. It just felt like a production line, and there treatment of my partner and me was abominable.
I know that after that day 3 years ago neither of us were the same nor will we ever be. You can't go through this and stay the same, it just does not work that way. I became increasingly irritable and angry at minor things, the pain I feel today 3 years later is just as strong as it was then. She became very cold and secretive. I was desperate not to lose her but I just don't think she felt the same about me afterwards. 3 years on I still miss my baby and think about her every day, I wonder what it would have been like every time I hear something about a baby or see a pregnant woman.
I don't blame my partner I am sure she did what she thought was best for her, and she could not really have known the way either of us would be affected by this. I think she even thought life would just carry on as normal afterwards, we could just forget it ever happened. No body talked to us about any of this either it was never flagged up or even mentioned by the professionals we dealt with.
Needless to say we are not together any more, we tried but we were just not the same people any more. She left about 6 months ago now. I think she thought I would improve if she left but I haven't because it was not her that was causing my pain and moodiness. It was not being able to properly grieve for the child I lost. I know I need some help now. I have tried for 3 years to do this alone and I can't. I phoned the help line of Care Confidential and spoke to an advisor who was really kind and understanding. She really just listened to me, which was what I think I needed. She has recommended that I contact my local centre and arrange some counselling which I am going to do. I realise that I can never be the same person again after this, but I want the chance to grieve for my child and heal and maybe get to like myself a bit again.
It is very sad to hear of your pain and regret even after 3 years. Men often feel very powerless in the decision because legally they have no say about what happens. I am sorry that you were let down by healthcare professionals. The guidelines are that people have counselling before an abortion so that they have all the information about what is involved both physically and emotionally. I can understand your distress at not being properly informed. I am glad that you have found the helpline useful and do hope you will go on to get some post abortion support from your local centre. Men's grief is often very silent and untold, and I hope your story will help others to speak out if they are struggling.