A story of miscarriage

In the summer of 2008 I had a great opportunity to study German intensively in Berlin, Germany for a month through my university. I had been studying German as my major at the time so I asked my parents for help with money, got a grant for good grades and went.
I was living with a host family who had an 18 year old son. I was 20 at the time. The first weekend, we went out for drinks and ended up in bed together. This started a 3 week long fling. We used protection and I was on the pill, but the last night I was there we didn't use a condom and I was on antibiotics, which I did not know had an effect on the pill.
I returned to the states and missed my next two periods, which was not abnormal for me as I was on seasonique, which only has placebo pills four weeks of the year. When my placebo pills came around in september, I didn't get a period at all, so I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive.
I was freaked and excited all at the same time. I was only 20 and still in school so I wasn't ready for a child, but I had longed to be a mother my whole life and after about a week of thinking, I realized I wanted this baby.
I went to planned parenthood near my university and they said I was already 11 weeks along. The baby looked fine and they gave me some papers to read about healthy eating and such. I called the baby's father that afternoon on skype and he flipped out, calling me a liar and saying I wanted to ruin his life.

He said I purposely got pregnant to make him stay with me.

I told him it was always just a fling and he was too young for me anyways, but now we have to at least be civil because we were going to be in each other's lives for a long time. He didn't speak to me for 4 days, and when he finally called me again, he apologized and asked me if I wanted to come and live in Germany with his family so we could raise the baby together. I agreed and that was our plan.
The next week I was supposed to go to my parents for break, and I would tell them then about the baby and the plan for me to go to Germany.
When I got to my parent's house, I chickened out and told them I wanted to go to Germany to study, but not about the baby. I felt like they would never let me go, so I figured I would get the plans set to go to Germany and then tell them about the baby afterwards, so they were less likely to say no. We booked tickets, I got into an exchange program, and 5 days later I was back at school. 2 weeks passed and I was more and more excited about the baby. The baby's father and I talked about names, Hannah for a girl and Paul for a boy, and we made plans for the future. On the 17th of October, things changed.

I woke up in the night and realized I was bleeding a bit.

I called the emergency number at planned parenthood and they said if it was just a bit to come by in the morning.
Two hours later I passed my baby. I cried more than any other time in my life. I went the following morning to planned parenthood and they confirmed that I had miscarried. I had to empty my savings to pay to have a d and c because I didn't want my parents to know.
When I told the father, he blamed me for killing our baby and ruining our future. He refused to talk to me for 2 months.
I kept my plans to go to Germany as I already filled out the paperwork to drop out of school in the US and I couldn't go back anymore. I never told my parents anything about the pregnancy. To this day, they still think I moved because I wanted to, not because I felt I had to.
I am still living in Germany, but I have no contact with the baby's father. It turns out, he had a girlfriend the whole time that I never knew about until I moved here.
As much as I am sad and hurt that I lost my baby, I thank my baby every day for bringing me to Germany. In the short time that I thought I would be a mom, my life changed. I love living in Germany and it is the happy ending to this sad story.

Editor's Comment

It is very sad to read about your miscarriage, and it must have been very hard going through that with no support from your parents or the father of the baby. Your life has dramatically changed now living in a new country, and you sound very happy. I am sure you will never forget your loss but your new life has given you hope for the future.

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