It's a way to not let go after a miscarriage at 12 weeks
I guess by writing this it is my way of not letting go of my unborn baby, but accepting that on the 7th December I'm not going to give birth and in years to come I'm not going to be celebrating birthdays.
So here goes.
I found out that I was pregnant on the 6th March
If I'm being honest at the time I thought it was the worst day of my life. I was scared. I was only 17 and not in a relationship. I had always thought that I wanted to go to university, become a teacher THEN have children.
A baby at 17, that wasn't part of my "plan". I hadn't got a clue what I was going to do. In the space of 3 minutes my life was turned upside down.
My head was a complete mess. I didn't know if I should keep the baby or get rid of it.
My head was saying get rid of it because of what I wanted out of life and my heart was saying keep it because deep down I didn't think I could have an abortion; after all I had always said I couldn't.
My heart won
Yeah my life was about to change so dramatically but I knew it wouldn't be ruined; I wanted to be a mum to my baby.
4th May; I had my first scan at 9 weeks. The sight of seeing my baby on the screen was one of amazement and beauty. You couldn't make out any features yet so it was really just a smudge, but that smudge with its little heartbeat was my baby.
It was at that moment that I really knew I loved my baby.
7.12.11, what was meant to be the most amazing day of my life; my due date.
I was so happy.
I started planning my future around the baby. Put uni on hold, take a year out. All that kind of stuff. I knew that soon I could start buying clothes and preparing to be a mum.
Me and a friend nicknamed the bubba "wiggles". I don't know why but I guess it sounded cute. Another friend started planning the baby's first holiday. I could already tell that this little'un was going to be one spoilt baby. It was going to have 100's of mummies.
Before I never really looked forward to my future, it was nothing exciting but now I was looking forward to everything that was to come. I look at it now and think if only I knew what was only around the corner.
I got to about 12 weeks when I started bleeding
I didn't think too much of it as I had heard that it was quite common. However I started getting worried when stomach pains were coming regularly. Then I woke up in the night with very heavy bleeding and extreme pain.
I knew what it was deep down I just didn't want to believe it until I was told. Then it was confirmed I had had a miscarriage.
I don't recall much more of that day; nothing that was being said was really registering. All I could think was my baby is gone. My life had yet again been turned upside down.
To this day I still feel anger, emptiness, overwhelming sadness, confusion. I guess they are the main emotions.
It's been six weeks since my little one left me and went to be with the angels but each night I still shed tears and I think I always will.
Each night I share my day with Ba' and then send a kiss up to the stars as I prepare to dream about what should have been.
Unanswered questions constantly float around my head. Was I to blame? Was the miscarriage my fault? Should I have done things differently?
I know I will never know what caused me to miscarry
The not knowing hurts so bad though. These unanswered questions are going to be with me for the rest of my life.
At 12 weeks people may not really class that as a baby. But that smudge was my baby. It may not have had a name but it was meant to have a future and that had been cruelly snatched away.
I guess until I had the miscarriage I didn't realise how much I actually loved my baby.
I think the sense of loss that I feel could be compared to that of losing a loved one you have known all your life because that is what it feels like. There is emptiness in my heart and in my future that my little'un was meant to fill.
In the space of a couple of months my future has changed dramatically, twice.
I'm no longer going to be a mum in the December, and I'm never going to be able to celebrate my baby's birthdays in years to come. The 7th December will always be our day though, just not the way I would have hoped for. I'm no longer going to be able to buy baby clothes and this future that I was planning around my baby is no longer going to happen.
I find myself wanting to sleep and never wake up, that isn't because I don't want to face tomorrow but because when I sleep I dream, and when I dream I still have my baby, and when I have my baby I am happy again.
Reality kills when I wake up. I'd give everything up this instant if it meant that even for only 1 minute I could hold my baby and look into her eyes. That image of that beautiful smudge with a heartbeat will always be mine even if my special little baby can't ever fully be.
Right now each day is the same, wake up, cry, force myself to keep busy, and then cry myself to sleep.
I guess the good days will come around again soon
..and bubba will always be a part of those good days.
Who knows what my future has in store for me. I certainly didn't realise my little'un was around the corner and although I didn't get my happy ending I was so happy and I know that I can reach that happiness again in my life with wiggles right there with me.
If you had asked me 12 months ago what I wanted to be when I was older, I would have said a teacher. If you ask me that same question now, I will reply saying "I want to be happy".
The impact that bubba has had on me is incredible. She has showed me that I have to keep on fighting, even through the darkest of days.
And the light at the end of the tunnel is my precious little angel shining brighter than anyone. She is making me into a better person, and for that I am so grateful.
She will forever give me strength, she will forever give me hope, she will forever give me courage and she will forever give me love.