3 pregnancies ending in baby loss
In July 2010, at age 35, I found out I was pregnant after a few months of trying. We were both delighted and then at about 8/9 weeks I miscarried. I was completely devastated but tried to remain positive and we were determined to try again. I somehow managed to get a series of things wrong with me, including (we think) PID which I was treated for. 7 months later, I was pregnant again and ecstatic. However, again, this was short lived. This time I struggled to cope with things and saw it as a 'bad' sign. My partner did his best to boost me and just kept telling me we'd try again.
A month after my 2nd miscarriage, my dad was very ill in hospital and we really thought we were going to lose him. This perversely almost took the focus off myself for a little while although the miscarriage thing was never far from my mind. My dad thankfully recovered and a couple of months later, I fell pregnant again. This time I was certain I had to have some good luck. I got past those 'danger' weeks and tried to relax more. I was very very sick which I convinced myself was a good sign. I got to 13 weeks and went for a scan and they were also going to test for down's etc. I saw the baby on the screen and could not believe that it was real although I had been so severely ill (unable to move off the sofa) that I knew something had to be happening. The baby was there but almost immediately we were told there was a risk that something was not right. I then went for blood tests which came back positive for down's syndrome but I needed an amniocentesis to be 100% certain. I was so utterly devastated that actually it didn't really register. I knew this pregnancy was over for me and it was not going to work out yet again. All the medics were trying to convince me that there was a chance it would all be fine but I knew in myself that it was not going to be. I would leave the hospital, again, childless.
The amnio showed positive for down's
The doctor said my hormone HCG levels were 4 times higher than they should be which is why I had been so terribly ill. We opted for a termination and I went into hospital and had to deliver a dead baby. I was so ill that I had somehow also managed to get a chest infection and so I could not stomach any pain relief as I did not stop vomiting. The physical pain, although bad (I was 16 weeks at this stage) was tolerable. It was the emotional trauma and complete devastation that was and has continued to be unbearable.
As I write this, it's almost like it's made up as I feel it's so cruel and horrendous that surely it can't be true. However, I write this in the hope that it will not only exorcise me but that it may help other people who feel alone and are suffering. The loneliness is a great factor in all this mess. I try to have some faith and hope (although I very much struggle) but this may help someone out there realise they are not alone. Bad things happen to nice people and you have to chalk it up somehow and try to move forward, whatever that means for you individually.
Your's is a very sad story and very tragic to lose 3 babies like this. You have certainly had more than your fair share of sadness, but as you say there are no rules about who this happens to. If you would like some support as you work through your grief, please contact a centre in your area, where there are trained advisors in miscarriage and baby loss.find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.