Around January 2011, I decided that I wanted to remove my IUD to try again. My daughter had just turned five and I felt like it was a great time. I got pregnant around two months later. I never had any morning sickness with my daughter, so this pregnancy was progressing pretty normal from the start.
Me and my husband went for our first scan around six weeks. I was told that the baby was too small to see a heartbeat yet and that we should return later to see it.
Well the tech said that this maybe a missed miscarriage. I didn't believe it so we kind of shrugged it off. Those next two weeks were nerve wrecking. And I had started to be real angry at the tech for telling me my baby would not make it.
We returned for the next u/s and were told that there was no baby just an empty sac.I was devastated and so shocked that this had happened. I was reeling from all this pain. Then my mother told me she had a miscarriage, and my best friend and sister in law both suffered miscarriages during that same time.
My biggest questions is: If my baby wasn't meant to be with me, why did I get pregnant? I feel that it is torture. Why did my baby not get to live? I had a hard time coping, so we decided to wait six months before trying again. It is so ridiculous, I know I can get pregnant easily, but can I have a baby?
Well around December I took another preg test, and it was positive. This time I waited till around nine weeks to even make a doctor's appt. I had to fight about insurance and how much everything costs.
After fighting to be seen, I began to spot at home. This was a first, I didn't spot during the first miscarriage. We rushed to the hospital and were sent home. The nurses said that this was common and no pregnancy was the same and to rest.
I had a feeling that something was wrong.I got into see my obstetrician. He manually looked for a heartbeat, stupidly it still didn't occur to me when he couldn't find the heartbeat. Just three weeks ago I had seen a strong heartbeat and a growing baby.
We looked up at the u/s scan screen, there was my baby, totally still, no heartbeat. I just stared, I couldn't believe that a few weeks before my baby had life and now it was gone.
I am still in shock. And I feel so hopeless, and of course all my friends and family members are now pregnant. All of them around two to four weeks behind me.
I have to watch as my best friend and sister in law deliver two beautiful girls. I can't even stand to be around them. I had to tell my best friend that I am having a hard time and cannot be around as much.
I just don't know who I am anymore.
I feel so angry. And I will always have their babies as a reminder that mine is gone. I just don't know where to start to even rebuild my hope in my body,in my reality,I just want to know that my body is capable of producing life. Such heartache and despair.
Editor's CommentWhat a very sad story. I can understand how bewildered and devastated you must feel, after your first miscarriage it seems that all your hopes and dreams are dashed with another loss. You will be grieving two losses and that can feel overwhelming.
As you say, having your best friend and sister expecting again is a constant reminder of your loss. It is going to take you some time to come to terms with your losses, and begin to rebuild your life again.
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This story was sent in on 29/06/2012