The story of a miscarriage

I found out I was pregnant on my 16th birthday, I didn't really know how to feel the shock of it all overcame me. I remember sitting at home and just for a brief second I forgot, and then I remembered I was pregnant as if it was the first time I had found out.
In total I only knew I was pregnant for eleven days. For me, the timing of the baby wasn't right and me and my boyfriend both agreed to have an abortion. So the date for the abortion was set for a month's time.

Over the eleven days I grew to love the little baby inside me.

I used to talk to it, stroke my tummy as if it could feel me and my boyfriend used to blow raspberries on my tummy.
And then one evening I went to the toilet only to see blood in my pants (sorry for the detail) I couldn't stop crying as I didn't understand what was going on. I told my boyfriend and cried for the rest of the evening.
As I layed there that night I felt numb, I knew what had happened I just didn't want to admit it. So after an excruciating three days of pain I went to the toilet and passed a large blood clot, the size of a plumb. Two days later I went to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital, I had a scan and the lady told me there was no sign of any pregnancy and that I'd had a miscarriage at 7 weeks pregnant.
Three months on and I still think of my baby every single day, I lay there at night and just cry. People may say that I was going to have an abortion anyway so what did it matter. But to me it mattered a lot, I could have changed my mind but before I could my tiny baby was taken away from me.
I don't talk about it as only my boyfriend and a close friend know.
I will never tell my parents, ever. I feel so alone and I don't know how to cope with this grief and sense of responsibility I feel.
Hopefully one day when I'm older I can provide for my baby and give it the best life possible. I just wish I could get through this pain.

Editor's Comment

Miscarriage is very painful and I am sure you are feeling a sense of loss and grief. You had started to have a strong bond with the baby you were carrying, and so the sadness of your loss is very real. There is a support programme for miscarriage because it is a very recognised grief. If you would like to know more about that please contact CareConfidential. You can call the national helpline 0800 028 2228, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

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