They called it a missed miscarriage

It was a week before we were due to go on holiday and I realised my period was late,I didn't take much notice and presumed it would come on holiday which I was so annoyed about!!!.....but it didn't....a few days after returning home I did a pregnancy test to put my mind at rest as I didn't believe I would be pregnant...I watched as a positive result appeared in the dislay window...I was in shock and so was daddy when I showed him but by the end of the night we were discussing baby names and guessing dates etc ...we were so happy....
we are already parents to a 12 year old boy and a 2 year old little girl who we adore so excitement grew thinking of a little brother or sister for our children and how happy they would be.....
we decided to keep it a secret until we had a scan and make sure everything was fine ....a decision I'm so glad we made....
I saw the midwife at what I thought was 10 weeks,she made me appointments for a scan and checkup with the doctor at the hospital for 3 weeks time....on the morning of the scan I was unusually nervous....

I had been feeling different from the way I felt with my other 2 pregnancies

I had been having negative thoughts and wondered why because I'm always such a happy person...it must have been my subconscious mind preparing me for what was about to be the worst day in our lives....lying on the bed I looked at the picture appearing on the screen of our lovely little baby so perfect...but the sonographer was quiet....too quiet then she asked how far on I thought I was I said 12 weeks and 6 days,she said the baby is measuring 11 weeks and 6 days and I don't see a heartbeat and with those words my heart broke...the doctor confirmed it....then led us to a wee room where a midwife gave us our options which I didn't even hear because my body,head and heart were full of giant sobs ...I wanted to cover my ears and tell them they had got it wrong...
going home in silence my husband held my hand so tight and to see the devastation in his eyes I knew his heart had broke in 2 as well....we tried to act normally for our other children and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do ....we just held each other that night as we cried ourselves to sleep our happy home life had been turned upside down ...we requested another scan and 2 weeks later we were back again but nothing had changed our baby was a little harder to see ...they called it a missed miscarriage....

I had no bleeding,no pain,no idea,I was clueless

I didn't want the operation as I didn't want to have to explain to family or friends why I was going into hospital or be away from my children plus in the back of my mind I was still hoping for a miracle....4 weeks and 5 days after our 1st scan I started getting contractions late at night thankfully both children were asleep. They were really sore I walked the floor to ease the pain,I went for a bath nothing took the pain away.
Then I heard a pop and blood gushed down my legs...I ran to the bathroom where the blood just kept coming out in the toilet,I started feeling faint and got off the toilet to get in the bath so I could lie down.
I automatically pushed the flush button only to catch a climpse of my little baby in the toilet and then the baby was gone and so was I ....I woke up in the bath surrounded by my husband and a bath full of blood and clots....I passed out countless times before the paramedics arrived. By that time I had no blood pressure and every time they tried to get me out the bath I passed out,they tried countless times to get fluids into me but couldn't because my veins had collapsed .....I was dying so they made the decision to just get me to hospital as quickly as possible .....I don't remember being on the stretcher or ambulance just waking up in hospital full of drips and so glad to be alive,I lost 2 and a half litres of blood and had approx 15 litres of saline...they said placenta tissue was stuck in my cervix which they had to remove fortunately they got it all out so I didn't need an operation...

I woke up to the sounds of a baby crying was I dreaming ????

no I was in the labour ward. I lay and cried for my little baby all morning ....they let me out later that day as I requested to go home. I couldn't stay there any longer it just seemed so cruel all these happy parents and beautiful babies while our baby was dead down the toilet.....
I walked out that hospital so weak but so thankful to be alive and able to be a even better mum to my 2 beautiful children...whom I am so grateful for and appreciate so much more....everyday is a blessing....
It's been 6 weeks and I'm on high doses of iron tablets as I should have got a blood tranfusion...for the first 2 weeks I could barely get out of bed....I'm starting to feel human again but it's taken a long time.....my kids still don't know what happened and I'm glad they don't as I wouldn't want them to worry or be sad ...only my close family know.
Every day is a struggle my heart is so sad,I feel so empty and so sorry our little baby didn't experience life....I'm still glad I didn't have the op as at least I got a little look at my precious baby in the flesh.....
We are talking about trying for another baby in the next few months after I have finished my iron tablets....not to replace our angel baby just to love .....we will never forget and getting pregnant again does frighten me but god is watching over us....we take so many things for granted in life and having a baby is one of them,**until you lose a baby you will never know the hurt it causes**....now when my children smile at me or call me mum I know I am one very lucky lady ....children are a blessing x

Editor's Comment

This is a very sad story and so painful to lose a baby in this way. I'm sure you will continue to grieve this little one for some time to come and he or she will always have a special place in your hearts even when you have another baby. I hope you will slowly come to terms with your loss, but please contact CareConfidential if you need more help and support.
This story was sent in on 08/10/2012

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