It has actually been a little over two years since I had my miscarriage

Well it has actually been a little over two years since I had my miscarriage, but something about tonight has me thinking about it and a little sad doing so.
It was Dec. 18th 2011, my husband and I were going out on a date. I got out of the car and felt blood start to pour down my legs. I was freaked out at first not knowing what was happening. I thought I had started my cycle the day before. He stopped and looked at me and asked what was wrong I said something's not right, I have blood pouring out of me. He took me back home and I got into the bathtub. I had blood clots passing it looked as though someone had been killed inside that bathroom. Then I gave labor to our child.
At the time I was just shocked and confused. I took the flesh colored thing with me to the ER where they did a test & confirmed I had been expecting. I just broke down in tears. I never expected a thing. I was still having a monthly cycle.

We don't know how far along I was or anything. I believe I was still very early along as the "baby" was not fully formed or anything just the pea shape. I think what hurts the most is that they did not offer for us to bring the "baby" back home it was thrown in the trash and that kills me knowing that my baby was done like that.

I understand that I didn't know so there was probably nothing I could have done but it still hurts. It's like an unhealed wound when I think about it its like a wound ripped right back open.
I went on to have another healthy baby after that but tonight I have just been thinking of our lost one...I guess the 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' are hitting me tonight. I just know that even though my other two children will grow I will always have a "baby" I love so much.

Editor's Comment

When you have a loss like this it is hard to grieve naturally and say 'goodbye' when you don't see anything. Wanting to bring the "baby" back home and grieve for it naturally is very understandable. It might help you to decide on something specific to remind you of your "baby"so that you can focus on that when you feel sad. Something like a teddy, or a little pair of baby shoes, an ornament(a little angel), or a picture, are examples of a remembrances that can be helpful. I also think that naming your baby can help to make it a more tangible person and this also may help you to grieve your loss.

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