They explained to me that I had had a miscarriage.
My boyfriend is in the Navy. I hadn't seen him in months. He just got out of boot camp, and I went to his graduation. We stayed at a hotel, I guess one of those days would have been the day of conception.
I had missed my period that next month, but I didn't think anything of it at first because my periods have always been irregular. I got my period a couple of weeks later, well.. What I thought was my period. No, it was much worse than that. The abdomen pain started soon after that. I kept seeing doctors to see what was wrong. They kept saying it was a stomach flu, or gas, or whatever they decided to pick that day.
Finally and just recently I just went to a hospital, I never thought it could be pregnancy or anything as horrible as this. They sent me back for an ultrasound to see my lower abdomen. They asked if I had ever been pregnant or currently was, I said no because I hadn't to my knowledge.
They found fetal tissue.
They had explained to me that I had had a miscarriage..This put me in a state of shock.. This happened to me? No way, it couldn't. Then it sunk in... This really happened to me. I didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't tell my parents, I thought they would blame me. I couldn't tell anyone. I finally opened up and told my cousin, and also my best friend.
I haven't told my boyfriend, and I honestly don't want to. Putting all that stress on him while he's in the military isn't that great.. I know I should tell him, but I just.. I don't think he can handle that right now. I can hardly handle it, and I don't have nearly as much stress as he does. I guess I'll find a time to tell him, but only in person.
It's all just so difficult and complicated, I don't even know where to begin or how to explain this to him. I may not have been far a long, or known my baby, or even known I was pregnant, but don't think for one second this is easy.. I want to know if it would have been a girl, or a boy.. If it had my nose, if it had his eyes.. Just because he/she wasn't planned, I would have loved that baby unconditionally. But no, the baby was whisked away out of my life before I even knew it was there.. I'm not here for apologies, or attention, I don't even care if anyone sees this.. I just couldn't hold it in any longer..