They explained to me that I had had a miscarriage.
My boyfriend is in the Navy. I hadn't seen him in months. He just got out of boot camp, and I went to his graduation. We stayed at a hotel, I guess one of those days would have been the day of conception.
I had missed my period that next month, but I didn't think anything of it at first because my periods have always been irregular. I got my period a couple of weeks later, well.. What I thought was my period. No, it was much worse than that. The abdomen pain started soon after that. I kept seeing doctors to see what was wrong. They kept saying it was a stomach flu, or gas, or whatever they decided to pick that day.
Finally and just recently I just went to a hospital, I never thought it could be pregnancy or anything as horrible as this. They sent me back for an ultrasound to see my lower abdomen. They asked if I had ever been pregnant or currently was, I said no because I hadn't to my knowledge.
They found fetal tissue.
They had explained to me that I had had a miscarriage..This put me in a state of shock.. This happened to me? No way, it couldn't. Then it sunk in... This really happened to me. I didn't know what to do or say. I couldn't tell my parents, I thought they would blame me. I couldn't tell anyone. I finally opened up and told my cousin, and also my best friend.
I haven't told my boyfriend, and I honestly don't want to. Putting all that stress on him while he's in the military isn't that great.. I know I should tell him, but I just.. I don't think he can handle that right now. I can hardly handle it, and I don't have nearly as much stress as he does. I guess I'll find a time to tell him, but only in person.
It's all just so difficult and complicated, I don't even know where to begin or how to explain this to him. I may not have been far a long, or known my baby, or even known I was pregnant, but don't think for one second this is easy.. I want to know if it would have been a girl, or a boy.. If it had my nose, if it had his eyes.. Just because he/she wasn't planned, I would have loved that baby unconditionally. But no, the baby was whisked away out of my life before I even knew it was there.. I'm not here for apologies, or attention, I don't even care if anyone sees this.. I just couldn't hold it in any longer..
Editor's CommentMiscarriage is a very significant and distressing event which is often not very well recognised or acknowledged as a major loss in our society. Your loss is very real to you and I am not surprised that you want to talk it out to try and process your feelings of grief and loss. It is very caring of you that you want to protect your boyfriend from the stress of coping with your miscarriage, but perhaps you shouldn't underestimate him. Sometime when he is home and you are together you might consider breaking this news to him so that you can face it together, after all it was his baby as well, even though he did not go through the loss in the same way that you did. If you would like to talk to someone or get some more support, it is available. http://www.careconfidential.com/Onlineadvisor.aspx or call the national helpline 0300 4000 999
This story was sent in on 03/02/2014