Miscarriage is such a lonely and confusing process

Hi, first of all, if you are reading this and are experiencing a miscarriage, here is a big internet hug!

Miscarriage is such a lonely and confusing process. And if you have a similar personality to mine, you are embarrassed and left with emotions like you have nothing to show but pain and unable to hold your baby. Grief, anger, bargains, and acceptance; inadequate answers and ultimate heartbreak.

I'm 35, I am married and I have an almost three-year-old daughter. If it wasn't for having my family, this may have been enough to go crazy. Yes, I'm a bit older, but by no means old. I realize my age increases the risks of miscarriage.

I found out I was pregnant almost a month ago. At first, I was shocked, since I was taking birth control. I must have skipped my period, which did not phase me since I do skip every once and a while.

But then the weight gain (I'm a size 4 and my pants were getting rather tight) then nausea. My mind began to race, could I be pregnant again?

At first, I hated the idea that I was again pregnant. Pregnancy the last time wasn't easy, having many nights falling asleep on the toilet. And the first year of my daughter's life in this world, I slept no more than four hours a night and was always worried. I'd relive all those experiences compared to my almost week of hell.

On Sunday I felt like I could pass out, I thought maybe I was overworking myself and decided to rest. I awoke an hour later, worried about my daughter (who was fine, my husband was watching her) then proceeded to use the toilet. That is when I discovered the mild bleeding.

The next day was my ultrasound appointment and I was very worried since the bleeding had not stopped.

They did not see an embryo and this sent me spiraling, they said I was only 7 weeks pregnant and that might be why. I knew something was wrong, I had to be at least 9 weeks pregnant. I was at this point still hopeful. They drew some blood to see if I had a threatened miscarriage and sent me home.

Two days passed, small clots began to pass and mild cramping all throughout. My stomach sank and sank and sank along with my heart.

Then no more strange cravings, no more feeling full, in fact now I feel quite empty.

Thursday my miscarriage was confirmed after seeing the doctor once more. He didn't tell me what I didn't already know.

Now I'm left without a baby. I feel very empty and I feel that it is unfair that my daughter doesn't have a brother or sister to be for now. There is a room that my husband and I completely emptied out for the new arrival, now I can't even go into that room and it's as empty as my stomach.

The whirlpool that pregnancy and the abrupt end of that pregnancy due to a miscarriage can make one feel like they have nothing to show for all the heartache.

The only glimmer of positivity that I hold is that I still have my family and the possibility of a brother or sister for my daughter.

If you are completely alone, please contact someone you can talk with. You shouldn't have to bare this horrible tragedy alone.

This story was sent in on 27/09/2015

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