My baby was measuring 11 days too small, my HCG levels were low and a heartbeat couldn't be found
This is my second ever pregnancy and the second miscarriage that I am currently going through.
My first pregnancy there was no heartbeat at my first ultrasound and less than a week later I started miscarrying. It took about two weeks for everything to finish and it was honestly the worst pain I have ever experienced both mentally and physically.
After two years of therapy and SSRI treatment, I decided it was time to try again despite the fact that in my heart I felt like there was something wrong with me or the universe didn't want me to be a mum. So as a single woman with no prospects of a partner I decided to start seeing a fertility clinic.
I started the initial process with the clinic about three months after my first miscarriage. So after nearly two years of appointments and tests, I finally selected a donor and went ahead with an IUI procedure last month. I was so excited when it worked first go and I was pregnant.
This pregnancy felt so much different to the last, more symptoms and just more real. It was like remembering my first pregnancy my body must have known that the first one wasn't going to be viable because this second pregnancy has been completely different.
So at my first ultrasound despite being so scared because of my last experience I was still excited. Until I was told my baby was measuring 11 days too small, my HCG levels were low and a heartbeat couldn't be found.
I spent that day after the scan having various phone calls from the specialist, nurse and receptionist all telling me it was a non-viable pregnancy but they wanted me to go to radiology the next day for another ultrasound because the equipment at radiology is higher resolution.
So the next day I headed to radiology in an absolute mess. Also, note that all these appointments I was attending were a 1½ hrs drive away and like I stated I was doing it all solo.
At radiology the sonographer had a very baffling look on her face, I had opted to have the screen off as I did not want to see my dead baby again. After a good 20 mins and various times telling me to hold my breath, the sonographer turned her screen around and showed me a healthy 5 weeks 2-day old baby with a heartbeat of 115 bpm.
I was told to go straight back to my specialist. She didn't seem very excited about the baby being alive and I was completely confused and angry that she had told me a day earlier it wasn't a viable pregnancy. She went on to tell me how I would still probably miscarry and booked me in to see her a week later.
Three days after my healthy scan my HCG had only risen by 100, still within range for the babies size. The day after those blood tests were done, which by the way had been lost and sent to the wrong city, I started miscarrying.
When I went back to my specialist the next day she told me the baby had grown slightly in the 5 days since the last scan but there was no heartbeat. She diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage.
I am now day 5 into the miscarriage and like the first one have excruciating cramping and contractions. I honestly don't know how I'll get through it again but I'm sure with time I will heal.
I am very keen to to try again with donor sperm but have been told by the clinic I can't get access to the donors without proving I have miscarried. I have a scan in 2 days to make sure everything has passed.
I wanted to share my story because despite having friends and family to talk to I feel completely alone. I will be insisting on testing for myself before my next try to be one hundred per cent sure that this is just bad luck like they keep telling me and not something medically wrong with my body.
Kim sent this story in on 17/10/2015