My boyfriend was very supportive and wanted me to keep the baby but on the other hand my mam wanted me to have a termination.
Deep inside I wanted to keep the life growing inside me and I became depressed as the two people I loved most in my life were fighting. I told me mam I wanted to keep the baby and she became really nasty, telling me that I had to be out the house and she made sure I would have no where to go, turning my nana against me, and threatening my boyfriend’s family if they took me in. I was stuck. Sickeningly, I made the decision to have a termination.
I went to the local family planning clinic and made my appointment. I cried all the way home and all my mam could say was, ‘you have made the right choice’. The appointment was two weeks from the day I made it. I never ate or slept for days as I was so upset that I had booked the appointment. I carried on my days as normal, going to 6th form and thinking of ways I could avoid the appointment so I could keep my baby. When one day I went to the toilet and there was some blood, I told my best friend and she said it might just be normal. I texted my mam, telling her I was bleeding and she was supportive and told me to come. I didn’t want to go home to face the bitch that I thought she was, so I carried on my day at 6th form not knowing that I was miscarrying.
Later that night I went to my boyfriend’s house and I started getting really bad pains in my stomach, and more blood was coming out. I couldn’t stop crying and all I wanted to do was tell everyone that I didn’t want the appointment for the termination but I didn’t want to risk being homeless. (I was about 10 weeks pregnant). After two hours of heavy bleeding and excruciating pain, I decided to go home. My mam gave me a water bottle and told me to go to bed. I couldn’t lie, I couldn’t stop crying. I just wanted to run away. The pain was getting worse so I rang my doctor and went through A and E. The pain was so bad; they put me through straight away so there was no waiting. I can remember been in a scabby side room with doctors picking blood clots out of me. I couldn’t stop crying. They were holding them up to the light and I could see every bit. I wanted to shout at them and say.’ That’s bits of what could have been my baby you’re picking out’.
I was in overnight and the next morning I had a scan, and an internal scan and they said 'everything had gone' and that was it. I was sent home. Everyone back home acted normally whilst this was - and still is - eating me up inside. I think about it all the time and it’s just something in the past for everyone else (expect my boyfriend.) I regret the decision that I made and it makes me feel so guilty that I was going to terminate my baby. I feel for anyone who has ever miscarried their baby or been in a similar situation to me. If I could go back to the minute I found out I was pregnant I would have ignored what everyone was saying and not got worked up about it, but at the time I just didn’t. Thank you for reading my story and I hope it helps anyone who is ever in this situation xx
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story…You’ve learned something valuable for yourself through this experience, haven’t you? You’ve learned that when it comes down to it, you have to make your choices in line with what you feel deep down to be right, rather than submit to somebody else’s pressurising attitudes and behaviour. No woman should have to make a decision based on fear, panic or pressure. She should be able to make an informed decision based on accurate information and after having had time to explore her feelings about all the options available. Now you know without a doubt what you would do if another unplanned pregnancy occurred. And that’s good that you know your own heart and mind. Obviously, there is no connection between having planned an abortion and having a miscarriage in terms of one causing the other. A miscarriage is, of course, a natural event in life from which we are designed to heal. It’ll take time to grieve your loss, but you can also be positive about the fact that you were spared from doing something that would have caused you a great deal of pain. If you feel you need some support following your miscarriage or to help you come to terms with what might have happened, please get in touch with your nearest centre.