My journey from abortion, to keeping my baby, to miscarriage 7 weeks later
This is my story about how the only extreme happiness I had felt in my life was taken away from me. At the beginning of June 2009, I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. I was only 19 years old and at University later in the year. I didn't know what to think. I rushed to my boyfriend’s workplace to tell him.
His face dropped. This was not meant to happen. I think we both knew that there was no way that we could ever possibly keep this baby. Not with the way that everything was. He wasn't in the best financial place and neither was I.
[If you're particularly looking for experiences of miscarriage you can find links to more stories here]
My heart sank when we decided on a termination
I came home with a huge amount of thoughts running through my mind, but I couldn't talk to anyone about it. Once he was home, we sat down to talk and we came to that terrifying, horrible decision of going through with a termination.
How my heart sank. This was something I thought I would never have to go through. But somehow, I knew I had to. That week I went to the doctor’s to arrange a termination. She worked out that I could possibly be ten weeks pregnant.
Waiting for the consultation my mind was in total conflict
This made the situation worse for me as I thought that was when the baby was known as a foetus. My offspring. I felt so horrible. I had to wait a week and a bit for the consultation day to arrive. And during that week my mind was in total conflict 24/7.
Somewhere deep inside of me was yelling at me, 'Why are you going to do this? It's not right!' But then there was another one saying, 'You have to. It's your only choice'. I really didn't know what to do. I was so stuck.
Every day of that week was filled with extreme sadness. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would end up doing something like this. But during your life, you never think the worse situation would ever happen to you. But life isn't like that.
Bad things will always happen to everyone. This was mine. I was inconsolable. He couldn't help me. Even though he tried and tried. He was better at concealing his emotions, even though deep down, he was dying.
He told me that this was something that he has wanted all his life, and he was devastated at the fact we had to get rid of it. He was so happy when I told him I was pregnant, but when he realised that we couldn't keep it. It tore him up inside. I knew how it felt.
But throughout that week I had his full support. Just knowing I had him there no matter what made me feel just that little bit better. He was the only support system I had throughout this whole ordeal.
How I was scared. I knew that it wasn't the actual termination day but knowing that it was the start made me really afraid. I still had my head saying that I should get rid, where my heart was saying keep it. But I knew that I had University and a future to plan. So I thought that I must do this. It won't be right for the baby.
When the time came round to having a scan done, I found that I was only about 5/6 weeks pregnant. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time as I asked to see a scan picture. I was relieved at the fact it was developed that much, and the termination would be easy, but I was disappointed at the fact I couldn't see anything other than a little pea shaped object. I was hoping to see a baby shape. But I didn't.
I found out that I could have the termination the tablet way, which was the way I had wanted it to be, even though I know I would be going through pain, at least I wouldn't have to have the surgical way or anyways after that.
One line made me cry so much
I remember going home in the car with him and reading a leaflet that they had given me about the procedure. The only line that stuck out to me was 'You will miscarry in the privacy of your own home'.
I still don't know how this line made me cry so much. I suppose it was just the thought of going through a miscarriage, and feeling the pain as it dies. I felt so guilty at the thought I will be killing an innocent little life. I just thought I would be seen as a murderer.
I finally came to a clear decision
I had to wait another week to go back to the clinic to have the termination. And yet again I was torturing myself over what I would be doing. I really needed to straighten my mind out and think what would be right for me. And over the week, after people support and thoughts, I finally came to a clear decision. I decided to keep it.
I'd never felt so happy about something
Never ever in my life have I ever felt so happy about something I decided to do. I felt all the sadness drift away and happiness consume me. I couldn't stop smiling. Every time I saw babies, I thought to myself that would be me soon. It felt so right.
He was overjoyed and began to tell people about it. He was so happy that he would finally be the daddy he has always wanted to be. We were so happy. I cancelled the appointment and started wondering around baby stores and baby clothes, even purchasing a cute selected few. I even bought baby books and sat there reading them for hours getting myself all excited about the prospect of what I will be going through and what I will have in the end.
But then disaster struck
This happiness I felt I can never explain fully with words. I knew this was the right thing to do for me. And I loved it.
But then disaster struck.
The Monday I was due in the clinic for the termination, I started to bleed. Not much, but it was enough to make me worried that there was something wrong. I went to the doctor’s straight away who booked me in for a scan on the following Friday just to check that everything is alright.
The next few days were very agonising. I knew deep down that something was wrong and I couldn't stop worrying, even with people telling me it's normal and that it would be nothing. Deep down inside I knew that it wasn't. All I could think was miscarriage, and no one or anything could change it.
My worst fears were realised on the Wednesday night through to Thursday morning.
It was coincidentally on the same day I'd have completed the termination
Trying to sleep and waking up in a huge amount of pain. He was crying. He didn't know what to do. I was rushed to A & E and given pain killers straight away. I knew I had miscarried and coincidently, it was on the day I would have been in the clinic to complete the rest of the termination.
I had an internal to see what was happening and this tortured me. I didn't know whether to cry or not. But I didn't. I had to be strong. I really didn't want to believe it, but when the doctor turned round to say that might have pulled out something to confirm the miscarriage. I felt lost.
She left the room to take a closer look at what she got while I got myself sorted. She came back and said it does look like you have miscarried. I'm really sorry. I didn't know what to do. She said I have to take it easy and I must still go to the scan to check everything was alright. But really, I just didn't care.
I was silent all the way home. He sat with me telling his feelings. He was very emotional. I couldn't blame him. We had lost our child. Plus he thought he would have lost me because he had never seen me in so much pain before in his life. He really did care. No wonder I love him so much. All he wanted was for me to be alright no matter what.
I was just so devastated
I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldn't believe that I was so happy. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then I'm at the other end of the spectrum. I really didn't understand why it had to happen to me.
I have been through loads already. I had been through the torture of a possible termination and then this happens. How cursed I felt. I really did want this baby, but somehow it didn't happen. What was I to do?
The next day I just didn't do anything. I couldn't eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I couldn’t do anything. I finally came round to looking at baby related stuff I had while listening to emotional music. How I cried.
I bought a pregnancy test kit when my bleeding started just to see if I still was and it still was positive. But there was another one. So I used it and it still said positive. I just felt sick with sadness as I knew there was nothing there. I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be.
I just didn't want to accept it
But while listening to my sad music, I got all my baby stuff together and boxed it up. I felt so depressed. Looking at the baby clothes and picturing a baby in them. Why did this happen? I wanted to know. I was so ready to be a mum and it never happened.
I did a little letter to go inside the box also. It said when I found out I was pregnant and when I had the miscarriage, but underneath it had a little note to the baby I lost.
'The pain I felt will never go away; the worst pain I will ever feel physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. The baby I lost, but will never be forgotten. Love you always, my lost baby. Be safe in heaven. Lots of love, always and forever, Mummy and Daddy'.
This will be a keepsake I will have forever and I will hopefully one day bring this box out again for when I hopefully get pregnant again. One day I hope to see a baby in those clothes, and I hope to read those books as they lean on my baby bump. I'll keep dreaming.
In the meantime, I had another scan to confirm there was nothing left just blood and lining to get rid of. They still want to check that everything is alright with me and that my body will return to normal.
Part of me doesn't want it to. But I know deep down it will and it will be like it was before. If I could turn back the clock I would, because everything would be so different, and maybe, the baby would still be with me. But to all the pregnant women who might read this, I wish you all the best with your babies.
My first child that never was
I hope all this doesn't happen with you because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But for the people who have had a miscarriage, I hope that one day you will find your peace. Do something to honour your loss. I know I will be. I will have a little star tattooed near where my womb is situated in remembrance of the little star that was once there.
This is the worst pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever. My first pregnancy. My first child that never was.