An abortion at 17

I'm seventeen years old and recently, about three weeks ago, had an abortion.
I have more mixed feelings than I have about any situation I have ever faced, so I felt I should share my story.
My dad died when I was ten so it's just my mom, two older sisters and me. I have an amazing boyfriend who is a grade above me but we've been dating a little over a year.. this was a complete accident.
We weren't unprotected completely or anything but I wasn't on birth control and the condom broke. It's happened before but I've always gotten Plan B just to be sure, but this time we noticed it broke right away so we thought we wouldn't need it. Then I was late.. only by a week or maybe even less which was kind of common for me.
It was about a week before getting out of school for Christmas break when me and my boyfriend decided to get a pregnancy test. It's weird to think about..we were kind of joking around about the whole "theres a slight possibility im pregnany scenario" but maybe that was just to keep the situation light and not freak out.. we went back to his house after having a great night at looking at Christmas lights together then stopping by a chemist to get the test on the way home. Once back at his house, I went to take the test but it was an unclear reading, one of those tests with the two boxes, one with a line and the other with either a plus for positive or a line for negative. My test had a SUPER faint positive but I thought I could have been imagining it. We were both still freaking out because we both saw the same thing..so he immediately grabbed me in his arms and I looked down and started to cry. We got in his truck and drove to a near by creek by his house and he shut off his truck, grabbed me in his arms again..and we both started bawling and didnt talk. This was the realest we'd both ever been with each other..if that makes sense. It was a faint reading though right? that could be a negative.
The next day I decided to buy another test after school, before I went off to work; one that said either pregnant or not pregnant, none of that unclear reading stuff. I got the test and immediately took it and it said not pregnant. I had never been so relieved and all me and my boyfriend could talk about the rest of the night was how much of an eye opening situation it was and how we're still glad it happened because it made us realize how much we loved each other and everything..until the next morning..just for the heck of it I took the second test that came in the box..I had read that the most accurate time to take it was in the morning so I just wanted to be sure.

This one said I was pregnant though...

Me and my boyfriend were freaking out all day..we couldn't stay at school..we couldn't tell anyone.. but I needed to figure out some way to tell my mom. When I came home from school I decided the easiest way to tell her would be to just show her the test, so I did.
We both started crying and I really think she was heart broken but deep down I think my plan all along was abortion.. my boyfriends plan too. We had discussed how difficult it would be.. I mean he was applying for college and all and we couldn't afford it. My mom definitely sadly enough supported abortion..encouraged it in fact so I think she was relieved when I told her my decision. I told her to keep it from my older sisters though..I was always the good one, top ten percent at school, never getting in trouble wiht the law..so I didn't want them to look down on me. My mom scheduled the abortion without them knowing and on December 21st, I got it.

I will say, this was the hardest thing I've had to do.

When I say I have mixed emotions about what happened..I mean in the sense that I don't know if what I did was the right thing to do or not. The days leading up to the abortion I found myself growing to the idea that I had a child inside me.. and for some reason even though I knew what was coming, I saw myself trying to take care of it; avoiding caffeine, alcohol, eating healthy, all that, even though I knew what was coming.
I cried every day. To this day.. I wish it would have been easier to have the baby..because I wanted it so so bad..and I still do. I find myself thinking about whether it was to be a boy or a girl.. what it's name would have been..and what it would look like.
I'm so sad about what I did but I know it would have been hard any other way. I will say that ever since all of this..my boyfriend and I have become 1000 times closer then ever and I know he will always be there for me because with this situation we're all each other has.
I didn't tell any of my girlfriends about this.. he's my strength and my rock through all of it. He comforts me more than anyone and I'm blessed to have that atleast. I'm not writing this to tell you to get an abortion, or to tell you to have a baby; I'm merely writing this to give you someone to relate to. We have to stick together because things happen that we don't plan. but God has a purpose for everything. Goodluck in everything ladies.

Editor's Comment

Thank you for sharing your story. You described your anxiety in a very real way and highlighted how difficult it is to go through an abortion even if the decision seemed very clear cut. Sometimes we block out our emotional response until after the event, and then feeling come flooding in. Perhaps your actions to eat healthily, avoid alcohol and caffeine were your heart response to the pregnancy, while your head was telling you it would be too difficult to continue. If you feel at any time that you need post abortion support please contact a pregnancy centre in your area.

This story was sent in on 12/01/2011

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