I was 17 when I first found out I was pregnant

I was 17 when I first found out I was pregnant - being so young, I was completely shocked and so scared especially about telling my Mum. I was worried about how she would react and I was right to worry - as the response I got was one I could never do to my own child. She was so cold towards me. All I wanted was someone to hug me and tell me it would all be ok. Me and my Mum have never been the touchy feely type but being in the situation I was in, I thought maybe she would, as I knew she'd gone through the same thing at a young age. The father was also not at all caring - telling me he didn’t want the baby and as if hearing that wasn’t enough, breaking up with me in the same sentence. I still remember the exact words he said, they will linger until the day I die. I didn’t cope well at all – I completely cut my social life off, didn’t want to see or speak to anyone, cried when I knew no one was around. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to confide in after my Mum’s reaction. But to make it worse my Mum at one point spoke to me and told me maybe I could keep the baby. We even looked at names - I was so excited having the blessing of her in what I wanted, but it suddenly changed the next day as she came home and told me she didn’t think it was actually a very good idea. There was no way I could have gone through with having the baby without her behind me. I went through with the abortion and made sure that the father was there every appointment. There was no way I was going to do this alone and I almost wanted him to know and feel just some of the pain I was going through. I had the surgical abortion, which I felt was right for me. I still regret my decision and long to have that baby again, but I know now it was the right thing to do at the time. I was far too young and it would have ruined my opportunities in life as I am now studying at university. I would not have been able to do such things if I'd had a baby but that’s not to say that I don't regret it and I will for the rest of my life. I also had a second abortion at the start of September this year. I might sound very harsh in saying this, but I don't regret or have the same feelings towards this one as my first. Maybe because I knew I didn't want to keep the baby as it was very close to me starting university. But that isn't to say I didn't shed a tear and in this case I kept it from my Mum and went alone with the father who wasn't at all bothered. I originally wanted a surgical abortion but the clinic got things wrong and because I was moving within a week, I had to opt for the medical abortion. This was not for me but I had no choice. I didn't know what to expect but not long after taking the second tablet I was in a lot of pain. Having a medical abortion almost brought things home for me, because I was actually going through the whole thing. I did feel sad about it, but knowing I had to do it, and being older and more mature, I coped much better. I am doing well at university so far and I am somewhat happy about my decisions as I love my life and I am enjoying being a typical 19-year-old. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have been through some very difficult times during last couple of years. It is always important that the decision to have an abortion is your own. Having other people pressurise or influence you in any way can lead you to make a decision you may later regret. Decisions made at times like these affect people afterwards in different ways. You express experiencing a lot of emotional pain, before, during and after the first abortion. It must have been very difficult for you not having the supportive response you had so wanted, hoped for and needed from your Mum. Perhaps it was difficult for her because she had been through a similar experience? You wanted to continue with the pregnancy, but you say you could only have done so with her support. During this time, you also went through what appears to have been a very traumatic break-up. I am concerned that you are expressing deep feelings of regret mainly with the first, but also with the second abortion, even though you felt at the time that it was the right thing to do. It may help speaking to one of our advisors to help you work through some of the things that have been affecting you. If you feel that you would like to, I would encourage you to call the national helpline on 0300 4000 999 – our advisors are experienced and will be able to help you.

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