When I found out I was pregnant I was at college.
By anonymous on 08/01/2010When I found out I was pregnant I was at college. I had been at college since leaving school so I've never had a full time job or learnt the value of money. At the time I was with my boyfriend in love... but it wasn't stable. He was on/ off.. eventually he changed for the better which made things easier. My Mum and Dad were really good. My pregnancy was easy.. though my boyfriend wasn't there, he was there, he wasnt.. which obviously mean't I was down a lot of my pregnancy. I managed and gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I moved out of my house 2 months before I had her. I lived in a small 3 bedroomed house with 7 people so there was no room for a baby. Everything seemed to be perfect until I had her. Then 2 weeks later the panic attacks started. The dreams started. The not being able to eat.. crying non stop. I didn't want to believe it but it was obvious there was something wrong. It turns out I had postnatal depression. I'm on tablets now, but they're not working. I'm a total cow. I don't do myself up, even tidying is a chore I just cry and cry. Now I'm even contemplating just killing myself because everyone would be better off without me. I just want someone to be there for me.. and my boyfriend says that when I'm telling him how I'm feeling and crying, it's me moaning.. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't even leave the house unless I have to. It's just getting worse and worse. I know I have to see a doctor but I'm so scared they're going to tell me I have bi-polar like my Mum. I don't want to be like this. It isn't my fault I got like this. What did I do so bad to deserve this. Really I just want to be told everything will be okay. I'm coping with this but I'm still being an amazing mum no-one is telling me this. I just need someone.
You are doing really well if you are looking after your little girl when you are feeling so low. Post natal depression can be very bad, and sometimes difficult to admit there is a problem. It is good you are taking medication now, but sometimes it takes a while to start working, and you may feel worse before you start to feel better. Please go and see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling. They will be able to get you the help and support you need. I'm sorry your boyfriend has not been helping you, but he may not understand what post natal depression is like. I hope you can talk to your Mum and Dad and get some help from them.