I finally got the guts to buy a pregnancy test and waited for the 3 minutes to be up

When I found out I was pregnant at 15, I just wanted to cry.

I remember my period was late. I was young and naïve. I didn’t think it could happen to me. My boyfriend and I had only been sleeping together about two months.

I finally got the guts to buy a pregnancy test and I remember taking it on my own in the bathroom at my home. I just sat there and waited for the three minutes to be up. It was the longest time ever.

When I saw I was pregnant, I just burst into tears and I didn’t know what to do or who to tell.

I remember meeting my best friend about twenty minutes after I found out around the corner from my house - me, my friend and her older sister. I just cried my eyes out, with them holding me telling me it'll all be alright.

I didn’t even tell my boyfriend. I couldn't face it so my best friend did it for me. She phoned him up for me and just told him straight. I guess I was lucky because he was very supportive.

One person I couldn't tell though was my mum and looking back now I wish I could have because I know now she would have been there for me and that was something that could have really helped me.

A few days after finding out I was pregnant I made an appointment in a family planning clinic about ten miles away from my home. My boyfriend thought I was mad not to go to the local one but I was so scared my mum would find out.

The clinic scared me and I couldn’t stop crying. My boyfriend and I had talked before we went to the appointment and we both decided on an abortion because we were too young for kids. I had just turned 16 and he was 17 but the decision was still hard on me because I am one of those girls who have always wanted kids and a family. I loved babies and all I wanted was a family of my own.

It took about a month to get the abortion appointment. It was the day before New Years Eve. My boyfriend and I got up at 4am to get a train to the clinic. That was the worst train ride of my life. I just sat there thinking, ‘what am I doing?’ ‘Am I doing the right thing?’

I didn’t want to mention it to my boyfriend because he was young. He had his whole life in front of him. He had plans for his own business. I knew he couldn't do that with a kid. I just reassured myself I was doing the right thing.

I remember walking into the clinic and seeing loads of girls, young girls and older women as well and at that moment I just wished I was there with my mum.

I don’t remember much about the abortion apart from waking up after in a room full of other girls. I remember one girl in the bed next to me just screaming. I was too scared to say anything. I had tears running down my face and pain in my stomach. I didn’t really know what to expect. I remember looking under the cover and seeing blood and being scared.

The nurses were nice but I just didn’t feel like I could talk to them because how could they possibly know what I was going through? Or what I was thinking? I also thought because I was only 16 I thought they were thinking ‘stupid girl!’

This experience was the worst of my life and I often look back and think ‘what if I hadn’t done it?’ I would have a child now - a part of me - but it’s all gone now and sometimes I wish it wasn’t. I think about my baby everyday, about what he or she would look like now, what they would like doing, just everything.

My boyfriend and I are not together anymore, and I wish I knew back then that we wouldn’t have lasted. I would have kept my baby and that’s the hardest thing for me.

I sometimes wish there was someone to talk to who knew what I was thinking, who knew what I was going through, because that would really help because at the moment there is no one. I often think ‘what if I can’t have kids in the future now?’ because you hear about abortions leaving women infertile. That would just break my heart if that happened to me.

Editor’s note

Thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds as if you have deep regrets and sadness about your abortion, feeling that you might have done things differently. It was obviously a very difficult experience for you to go through. Not only that, you are also feeling the loss of your baby now too.

I know it would help you enormously to get in touch with a centre locally to talk with someone confidentially - you can find a centre for post-abortion help here.

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