I'm 19 and had a medical abortion 2 days ago

Im 19 and I had my abortion 2 days ago.
It was the hardest decision me and my boyfriend had to make. He was very supportive of my decison. I'm going to uni in sept and we haven't got the money to raise a child.
I didn't tell my parents and neither did he, we both looked for support within friends but we both regret not telling our families especialy my mum. I took my boyfriend to my first appointment which was meant to just be a consultation session.

I had all the treatment on the day

We had a chat with the nurse to make sure our desision was the 'right' one and took me through to the scan room where we found out I was 9 weeks to the day. The nurse said that because they don't like to give medical abortion pill for people after 9 weeks I had to have all the treatment on the day. An hour later I was given my first tablet and sent away for 6 hours but to come back straight away if I was sick within the first hour and a half. I was fine, just went to bed to keep my mind off of what was going to happen. Due to work commitments my boyfriend had to return to work that evening to do a night shift so I told my nan what was happening and if I could stay with them overnight. After having the second tablets I was told I could start to bleed and have pain within 20 mins. Personaly I didn't feel anything until 3 hours when I just had cramping. I was given strong pain killers so I took them to make myself more comfortable. Because I had all the treatment in the one day it was now 11pm. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I didn't know what to expect but all of a sudden I felt like a pop as though something moved.

I can't help feeling guilty about 'killing'our baby

I panicked and went up to the bathroom. What felt like slimy clots just slipped out (sorry to be so graphic) I thought that was it.
I cleaned up and went to bed to try and get some sleep. By this time it was 1.30.
I phoned my boyfriend to tell him what had happened. I think he was sad that I had to go through all this without him but I was glad he wasn't there, I wouldn't have wanted him to see me like that or worse see our child lying in a toilet bowl. I had a bucket by my bed to go to the toilet to save walking to the loo all the time.
Next morning I went on the bucket there was a lot of blood and a bit more clotting but guessed that it was normal. I sat for a bit then went again there was no clotting just a bit of pee but then what felt like a big clot fell out. I stood up and went to put another layer of towel over the blood and there it was so tiny.
I tried not to have a good look just coverd it up and sat in my nans room and just cried. I don't know how to feel, its only the second day but I feel so lost and confused. The decision we made was right but I can't help feeling guilty for 'killing' our baby. I just hope this pain will subside and i can start to forgive myself. Most women say they were at hospital for theirs, I wish I could have been just for that bit of support and reassurance.

Editor's Comment

It sounds like you had a traumatic time going through this alone and having to see what you passed. I don't think anything can prepare you for the shock or reality of what thsi proceedure actually involves. It is one thing to make that decision rationally when you look at your circumstances, but another thing to experience the actual loss. please ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999 for help and support or follow the link find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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