I was 9 weeks and had a suction termination

By anonymous on 15/07/2010
I always panicked before I was supposed to come on my period, and it would be the biggest relief when I finally came on.
I hadn't been put on any type of constant contraception as I had only just told my mum about me and my boyfriend. My mum then decided when I and my boyfriend were coming into our eighth month together that she would book me an appointment with the doctor to get the rod inserted, the only conditions being that I had to be on my period when the rod was put in.
Even before my period was due, I had a really intense feeling that something wasn't right so I went to the health centre to take a pregnancy test which came back as negative.
I always came on my period around the 11th of every month so when it got even a day late I started to panic. I confided in my boyfriend and my friends but when it got to the 18th/19th I knew that something definitely wasn't right.
I was just about to do my g.c.s.e's so didn't want everyone to know, so told one friend who I trusted that it was worrying me.

The nurse told me the test was positive

As the clinic at the health centre didn't open until 6, my friend and I decided to buy two pregnancy tests so I could do them. The first one was blury but faintly read positive. When I saw it, it didn't really sink in, and my friend and I put it down to the test being cheap and probably faulty. It was then that we went to the clinic where I took a test and the nurse told me that it was positive.
My initial reaction was to just cry. I thought of everything there and then, about the future, about what was the right thing to do, but more importantly about how I did not want my parents to find out.
I was refered to the hospital where I had to wait for an appointment which was put in place the following week. I was told I had to have an adult over the age of 21 with me, so making a quick decision as I had to fill in forms, I phoned my boyfriend and we agreed to tell his mum.

I told my parents I was going to Alton Towers

The first time at the hospital was where the scan, and paperwork and questions were asked. I was then given the dates as to when the abortion was going to be, which was the day after my prom. (All the while I was telling my parents I had gone on the pill while I was doing my exams) I then had to think of something I could tell my parents, which gave me the chance to be away for a few days. We soon came up with the idea, and I told my parents that I was going to Alton Towers with my boyfriend and his family for a few days. The amount of guilt I felt as my mum gave me money saying have a nice time, is unimaginable.
Every time I felt ill at home, I had to lock myself in the bathroom and pretend I was in the shower while I would be sick in the bath from the tablets which I had to take.

I felt totally alone

Although my boyfriend's mum and my boyfriend were there every step of the way for me, and even though on the day of the abortion my boyfriend's mum sat with me until I had to go for the operation I still felt totally alone.
Receiving texts all day from my Parents saying 'have a nice day at alton towers, be safe I love you' made me feel like such a horrible person. At the time I remember crying in the hospital toilet just wishing my mum was there to tell me it would all be okay and give me a hug.
I didn't and still don't regret the fact that I didn't tell them I was sad because I needed them, but knew they couldn't be there.
I didn't tell them because I didnt want to lose the relationship I had with them, as we had always been so close. It's been just over a week now since the abortion took place. I was nine weeks so was put under a general anaesthetic where the baby was removed with suction.

Even though it's only been a week, I can't see the guilt, hurt or sadness ever fully going away.

I know it will live with me for life. I'll always have them thoughts of what it would have looked like, or what would it have been called. I know in time, it will get easier, but I'll never forget the feeling of how low I felt when I was sat in that hospital toilet, or how I find it so hard now to see pregnant women. I just hope that maybe some people can relate to my story, so they don't feel so alone if they are experiencing the same feelings as I am. I just count myself lucky that I still have my boyfriend, his mum and my best friend 100% behind me so when times are really hard I have someone to talk to.

Editor's Comment

This sounds a very lonely, difficult time for you, and very hard to be carrying such a big secret that your parents don't know about. I'm glad you have support from your boyfriend and his mum, as well as your best friend, so at least you can talk through how you are feeling.
Feelings like guilt, hurt and sadness are very common following abortion, and many women wonder what it would have been like if they had continued with the pregnancy. For some people the emotions do get easier, while others need to have some counselling and support to work through these painful thoughts and feelings.
There are people trained to support women through a post abortion programme called 'The Journey'which is an excellent post abortion support, and has helped many people through this difficult time.
Please ring the national helpline for more information, or fallow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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