I had an abortion at 7 weeks because of lack of finances
To be honest, it was really hard because my boyfriend and I kept arguing over the decision. At first I wanted to have it and he kept saying how were we going to afford it?
Finally by the time he gave in, I changed my mind and thought that we couldn't have it.
I think I was mad at him and although he begged me not to have it and to marry him saying we could overcome anything, I wasn't sure. The truth now in retrospect is that I was angry with him and the situation we were in.
This was my child not just a processThe thing was that everyone in the clinic seemed liked they didn't care, it was just a process but for me this was my child.
When the nurse called me in for my surgical treatment by boyfriend was so tearful and was begging me to stay, I wish I had listened even though I hesitated, I wish I had asked for an extra week to think about it, but all I had been hearing was the sooner the better from the nurses.
Anyway I went in, got sedated and had the abortion. My boyfriend was there for me all the way, I even broke up with him and he said that was fine as long as he could be there for me and help me through this. He wanted us to work through our relationship and hoped that this would make us stronger.
I have allowed myself to grieveIt was not until yesterday that I forgave him that I have allowed myself to grieve, I can't sleep though and now I keep crying and telling him I wish we could have kept it.
You see, everywhere I look I see people having babies, pregnant and today, I had a new neighbour who told me she was a single parent and her son is seven, but she loves him so much and although I didn't say anything to her about my situation, it made me cringe inside. It was like I was jealous of her for being strong enough or smart enough to go through with it.
I am going to see a counsellor about it because I can't undo it even though I wish I could but I have to deal with life as I still want to have children and with my boyfriend.
He has been wonderful because when I ask him, how do we move forward, he says this is a wound and we need to heal first, and then make plans. He still wants to marry me and he wants us to be prepared the next time round.
I on the otherhand also want to heal but it feels like I am in a hurry, to replace what was lost, feels like we should get married today, and then have another baby, but the truth is this will not heal this wound. I think it is harder because it was a decision I made, it was not a miscarriage or anything like that.
I hope one day I healI know I need to see someone and have some post-abortion counselling but all I can say to anyone else who is trying to make a decision is, take one more week at least, think about it, let go of all anger, grievances and think rationally before you make that decision because once you have made it you can't undo it.
I might say I regret it but it is still early days, this is how I feel now and I must allow myself to grieve but at some point, I need to pick myself up, moving on does not mean not acknowledging my child.
I named him, I feel it would have been a boy, I want to remember him, his birthday, maybe that is wrong but I think pretending it never happened is unfair and is living in denial.
I hope one day I heal and start a family, one day, I pray I forgive myself because if I had to make the choice today, I wouldn't have had the abortion.
Editor's CommentIt is such a difficult decision that you face when you are feeling emotional and vulnerable in the early stages of pregnancy. You were probably both in shock and feeling overwhelmed by the difficult circumstances. Its easy to look back and think differently but at the time when you feel anxious and panicky, it's easy to rush into a decision. I agree with your advice to take time to think everything through and work out what support you could get, and what you really want for your life. Often it helps to talk to a trained advisor who can help you to explore thoughts and feelings that may be hidden. I do think that post abortion support would be really helpful for you and your boyfriend to find healing and help you to move on from this experience. You can call the national helpline for more details of post abortion support in your area 0300 4000 999, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area. a>
This story was sent in on 18/08/2010