Medical abortion with hyperemisis in pregnancy

Hi everyone. I found out I was pregnant on the 17th August this year. It was not a planned pregnancy but I was extremely happy.
My then partner of 10 months who is a traveller was not. He said he wasn't the father as he couldn't have children which was obviously a lie as I was faithful to him and adored him very much. We had a big fall out, he said alot of nasty things about me which hurt alot,and we went our seperate ways but I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
I have 3 boys age 11 13 and 14 and managed to bring them up by myself, so I guessed I'd be fine,until I started to feel very unwell.

I had hyperemisis in pregnancy

I lost my appetite completely and couldn't even keep any fluids down. I got so weak I was admitted to hospital and scanned, I was just over 6 weeks.
I was put on a drip and admitted for 2 days,and then told I had hyperemisis. On leaving the hospital I was given some anti sickness tablets which didn't help. I got worse, I became depressed and emotional, and still had trouble keeping any food or fluid down. Eventually things got so bad and after doing my research I found out that hyperemisis could last through the whole of the pregnancy,and I knew I couldn't go on.
A week later I was in my doctors asking to be referred for a termination, as much I wanted this baby I had to go ahead with the termination. It was very unfair on my other children who I'd shout at for no reason. They came home from school and ask what was for dinner but I had no energy whatsoever to even move to make them anything. It was either a take out or nannas cooking.
I got a date for the abortion on 20th September.

I went to the hospital and took the 1st tablet for my medical abortion

I went back on the 22nd September this year and had four tablets inserted inside me and was told not to move off the bed for 30 minutes. After 20 minutes the pain was unbearable and I asked for painkillers. The pain didn't ease it got worse and I can honestly say it felt worse than labour pains. On going to the toilet I passed out and had to be taken back to my side room and helped back into bed. The nurse gave me a commode to use as I was to unsteady on my feet to keep crossing the ward for the toilet. After two hours or so I felt a popping sensation and the pain eased a little. I then passed what looked like a huge clot,then 3 hours passed and the terrible pain was back. As I got up to use the commode I noticed I was bleeding very heavily and quickly grabbed the bowl and put it under me.

A foetus not fully formed

I passed a large round haggis looking shaped thing,and then something fell on to the side of the bowl which was clear and not blood stained at all. I realised it was my baby and picked it up to see a foetus not yet fully formed, but with 2 dark spots where the eyes would be.I stared and stared until gently putting it back in the bowl and rang for the nurse. An hour later I was allowed home.
At the time I was fine, cooked, cleaned went to see my mum,but at bedtime I could not get the picture of my baby out of my head it's still here now and I can't shake the feeling of guilt and regret.

I wish I could turn back time

Just the thought makes me cry and I wish I could turn back time cos regardless of how poorly I felt I deeply regret the termination. I'm a mess, I cry everytime I'm by myself and I wish I'd have gone ahead with my pregnancy.
My baby would have been due on 27th April 2011.
My sister is now pregnant again, her baby will be due on the 10th May. She messaged me telling me we're gonna be pregnant together. I haven't yet told her about my termination,I feel so ashamed of what I've done. I would love another child so much but I don't think I would let myself get pregnant again through fear of the hyperemisis returning. It really is a dreadful thing that alot of people don't even know about or understand.

Editor's Comment

I agree that hyperemisis in pregnancy is not well understood or women supported who have it. It can make you feel very low and be hard to cope with. There is medication available that can help a lot but you need to be under the hospital and given a lot of help and support. I am sorry that you felt unable to continue a pregnancy that you wanted. Please call the national helpline if you would like support after your termination, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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