Only listen to YOURSELF!
By anonymous on 04/04/2007Only listen to YOURSELF! When I was 18 I fell pregnant and I was happy. I had been with my boyfriend for a year and we were getting on really well. We knew each other so well because we were best friends for a couple of years before getting together.
When I missed a period I decided to go to the doctor’s. He came with me but waited in reception. The nurse confirmed I was pregnant and I wasn’t shocked because we hadn’t been very careful. When I told him, he looked angry and went home leaving me on my own. He was not happy! I went straight to Marks and Spencer’s to look at the baby clothes and bought lots of fruits. Deep down I really wanted to keep it. When my boyfriend finally discussed it, he said it wasn’t the 'right time’, as if there ever is one - to kill that is.
He wanted me to have an abortion because we had no money and were both at college. I tried to talk him round but he insisted that it was the wrong time. I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. I needed him to say that it would be ok and we should have the baby but he didn’t. I said I would have the abortion because I didn’t want to lose him. Whenever I tried to discuss it, he said nothing had changed and the decision was made.
I was heartbroken which was made worse by the fact that one of my close friends was also pregnant and keeping hers. We went for a scan to confirm how far gone I was. It was a little thing pumping on the screen... so beautiful. I thought it would change my boyfriend’s mind but it didn’t. I had an abortion at 8 weeks.
My boyfriend did not come with me but a friend did. It was horrible. The nurse was rude, the toilets were filthy and I was really sad. In the coming weeks, I was really lonely. My boyfriend had exams and was not around much. For months after I would cry every day and night. Four years on, my boyfriend still thinks it was the right thing to do even after being there through my distress. I didn’t want him to resent me but now I resent him. Even though he said he'd support me if I wanted to keep it I know he really didn’t want it.
The day I had the abortion a part of me died. I used to be bright and outgoing. Now I lack confidence and am riddled with guilt. I hope I get to heaven to be with my baby. Now I’m 23 and many of my friends have children. I want one too but my boyfriend says it’s not the right time. I wish I'd never listened to him in the first place or my mum who also thought I should have an abortion. It’s not them that have to live with it everyday. I shouldn’t have done it, I wanted my baby and I feel I am at a great loss. Advice to anyone considering an abortion... make sure it’s your own choice because you'll only hate yourself for listening to other people. THANKS FOR READING, I KNOW IT’S A LONG STORY XXX
Editor’s note: Thank you for telling us your story...and for imparting to others what you learned - that you have to choose for yourself and pay attention to your heart. When we feel we have no choice and feel pressurised by the possibility of losing our relationship, we sometimes sacrifice our deep-down knowledge of what we really want. It sounds as if you are still struggling with the loss you have experienced, and feel some grief, guilt and resentment. Although it may not feel like it, there is hope for you for recovery – recovery of who you were before as well as recovery from your negative emotions. I want to encourage you to get in touch with a local centre and ask about the Journey recovery programme which you can work through with an advisor on a one-to-one basis. Not only will you be able to tell your story to someone who understands, but also be listened to sensitively and helped along on your journey forward to wholeness.