It was all I had dreamt of but at 11 weeks I terminated my pregnancy

Ok where to begin I'm 38 years old and all I ever wanted was to be a mum. I used to think about having that pregnant belly all the time.
My husband and I had been though the very early stages of fertility treatment without success back in 2005. We decided it was too painful to keep going through the trauma with no success and I came to terms with the fact that I would never be a mummy and I got dogs instead. So in Oct 2010 when I had just left my husband due to some difficulties, I started seeing someone else who was everything my husband wasn't; loving attentive etc etc. Anyway come Dec 2010 I had no period, and assumed it was due to the stress of my marriage breakdown but I just didn't feel right. I thought 'I will do a pregnancy test just in case' but to me this felt a bit like a joke as it was a known fact I couldn't have babies. I had never had a pregnancy before so I did it anyway, but there in big black letters was the word "PREGNANT"I was 3 weeks. Oh my goodness how the heck did that happen? I was stunned and sat on the floor shaking for at least an hour but I think I was also happy, I couldn't believe it I was going to be a mummy.
My partner was shocked but very happy, my family were all so happy for me I just couldn't believe it, I felt like it was happening to someone else.
This is where things seem to go wrong and I don't understand why my partner and I went pram shopping so we could see what was about and decide which one we liked so we could purchase it later in the pregnancy.

It was all I had dreamed of yet at 11 weeks I terminated my pregnancy!

and I don't really know why.
Firstly I suffered blackouts and excessive sickness that made me feel so ill my new partner had began to really irritate me, far too fussy with me.
I knew I was still in love with my husband and getting pregnant to someone else felt so so wrong things had happened and changed so fast I really didn't know what I was thinking.
My husband had found out I was pregnant by a third party which I was not prepared for and I knew there was still a chance to save my marriage and that became my priority. I just wish the baby had been his! my husband never pressured me into the abortion I decided I had nothing to offer a child, no money no home as I am living with my parents.
But still I wonder why I did what I did, was it for the right reasons? why did I get pregnant when I did when I had tried for so many years and just when my life was changing and was so very emotional and painful I got pregnant!! it felt like fate had played a very cruel joke on me.
I was happily pregnant for 8 weeks (although very ill with it) that's something I will carry with me forever. The termination I did all on my own as I did not want to burden anyone else it was the hardest thing I have ever done. When I woke up from the procedure I had tears rolling down my cheeks I was so very very sad. I suppose I will wonder every day should I have just gone it alone and had my baby or have I made the right decision.

Editor's Comment

A very sad and traumatic story. You were obviously in a very confused and troubled period in your life, and it sounds as though you are still trying to work out why you made this decision. I think during the early stages of pregnancy the hormone changes often make you feel very emotional and unsettled, and perhaps taking this major decision at that time made it more confusing. Please think about going for post abortion support, and trying to work through some of these very difficult emotions.You can call the national helpline 0300 4000 999, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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