A bitterly regretted decision.
Initially I came to my decision easily. I had come out of a long term relationship earlier this year, I am planning to travel, I am currently single and the pregnancy was as the result of a one night stand.
I had just spent many months getting over a messy breakup and had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt I had turned my life around and turned a bad situation into a good one.
A baby and the lifestyle involved did not suit my plans. I was also very shocked to find myself pregnant. I took a test fully expecting it to be negative, the fact that my period was late was put down to stress. I took the test to rule out pregnancy rather than confirm it. My knee jerk reation was "I cant have it. I'll have to get rid of it."
Two weeks after my abortion, I am bitterly regretting my decision.I had known about my pregnancy for 4 weeks before I had my surgical abortion and in that time I had become attached. I talked to it, I believe I had grown to love it, although I did not, or would not admit that to myself at the time. The whole time I convinced myself that termination was the best option all round. I ignored a nagging doubt that I was not making the right decision.
The father, although supportive, does not understand why I am now so upset. He believes it is sorted, and that I need to move on. This is a reaction that I have had from many people. They tell me to move on, forget about it, and that it was only cells. Although well meaning, in my mind it was my baby, I believe it was a girl. I believe it deserves to be grieved for and that it is only right that I feel sad for it.
I can cope with feeling sad, it is the overwhelming guilt and sense of loss that I was unprepared for.I miss my baby dearly, although I don't feel that anyone understands that. I also feel that I let my baby down. That I was meant to protect it, when I deliberatly ended its life. I also have horrible thoughts and imagine that it was frightened or in pain during the procedure, and this breaks my heart. (Although logically I know that is not true).
I wish I could see a way through this, but currently I don't even feel like I deserve to get over what I have done. I feel that my reasons for abortion were selfish and shallow. I feel that people do not understand my grief, firstly as they do not see it as a living being, and secondly because I chose to abort. I wish people would understand that abortion is not the easy option. Unwanted pregnancy stays with you for the rest of your life, whatever option you choose.
Editor's CommentYou have had two big losses in your life in a short space of time with your longterm relationship ending and your loss through abortion. It's not surprising that you are in a state of grief. It is a paradox on the outside that someone would grieve the loss of a baby they chose not to have, but you were a mum who has been bereaved. Abortion doesn't rub out a mistake. The fact that you were pregnant means that you will feel the loss of that potential child like any mother would. At the moment you may feel that you should suffer and punish yourself for what has happened, and it is important to work through your feelings and not try to brush them out of sight. If you would like post abortion support you can follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area. or call the national helpline to speak to a trained advisor 0300 4000 999.
This story was sent in on 20/08/2011