An abortion at 19 weeks and 3 days

I'd Started University in September and it was really weird settling down somewhere so far away from my close friends and family and there was no one I knew. So I end up meeting my now Ex boyfriend, it was great because I always had someone there for me a comfort blanket as it were. After a month or two,we decided to stop using protection because we trusted each other and I was on the pill which I took without fail everyday. For whatever reason I guess it didn't work and it wasn't because I took antibiotics while using it or anything..but I still had my periods..wasn't sick and didn't really gain any weight, barely showed any signs of symptoms and nothing out of the ordinary except tiredness but I put that down to the fact I started a new job.

I felt a kick..deep down inside coupled with wriggling

It was the middle of June, and it kept happening and I just instinctively knew something wasn't right.....so I went to my Doctors surgery which was really embarrassing because the receptionist might as well have announced to everyone in there, my purpose of visiting. I had a test to confirm what I had already thought was true..I was pregnant.. By this time I had already split up with my boyfriend because he went away for Camp America and wasn't handling it very well. Just before he left he became really moody and aggressive but I put it down to him being upset because he would be away, but after he left he progressively became very paranoid and his moods were erratic. One minute he'd be really happy and tell me he loved me and the next he would give me abuse down the phone, send me nasty emails, try to hack into my facebook, break up with me and then say he didn't mean it and get back together and..accuse me of things that were beyond rational thought. For example just because I had my lip pierced which I had done before we even met, made me a lesbian..... and he would call me every name under the sun for no reason apart from the fact I guess he must have problems because I never cheated, never did anything to make him feel that way. I was with him all the time so I don't see how I could've done anything untoward. Given the news I was pregnant, I knew straight away I couldn't bear to bring a child into this world knowing I was too young, not emotionally ready, and financially ill equipped; I didn't deserve to be a mother, I wouldn't be able to give the little bundle of joy everything to give them a great life....and not to forget the fact that I'd also be tied to my nasty Ex Boyfriend forever and it would be messy..I've seen talk shows enough times to know..that if I put a child in that aforementioned situation they would definitely be screwed up and need therapy...I couldn't do that to a poor innocent being that didn't ask for it. Also I could barely bring myself to look at or talk to my ex, I grew to hate him because of the hell he put me through, so to see him for example his eyes or his smile in the child, something we made together I couldn't deal with that... So a couple of anxious days later I had a consultation at a BPAS clinic..I went all by myself, I couldn't bear to tell anyone yet not until I sorted this out. Not even my mum , who afterwards found out accidently because I had blood tests as well as a urine test and when she rang up for my results ( seeing as I was 'out')they thought she was me, So said oh you're pregnant aren't you?. The staff at the clinic were very supportive, I explained my reasons for why I felt I needed a termination and then signed documents to give my permission for the whole process to be done,had a medical check up and consultation about my medical history and then had a scan but didn't want to see it or anything, regardless at that point it really hit home that I had a living being inside of me.. Bearing in mind I had no idea how far along I would be because I had no idea I was even pregnant. It turned out I was 19 weeks 2 days, which as most will know is quite seriously near the cut off point and yes more than half way. So next thing I know I'm in the waiting room while the receptionist, who I'd seen previously, made a quick series of phone calls. I was lucky that they had an extra slot for me at another clinic not so far from my immediate area, the next day as well so I believe that to be a sign from who ever it is up there in the sky that it was the right thing to be doing..if I wasn't as lucky I'd have had to travel quite far away in the region of 100 miles due to how far along I was. So I rang my best friend and told him the news, and he promised to take me so we made plans for the next day and how to get past my mum..but soon after she rang me, in a shocked and upset state..given how she'd found out it's understandable but she was more emotional about it than I was and it was me who was pregnant!! Next thing I know we're up early and off to the clinic, which was not what I thought it would be, calm and very quiet..I didn't see or hear anyone crying and there was no one in a state of emotional unrest or anything. It became a waiting game. I'd had another consultation with the nurse to check it was what I wanted and that I was fully aware of what was about to happen to me, then half an hour later I was given the two misoprostol tablets under my tongue. After which the abdominal cramping was so bad, it drove me up the walls..almost like an itch, you just couldn't scratch and I was back and forth from the toilet several times but it soon died down..and two hours later..I was amongst several other girls of various ages, some 20 like me others 30s + and we all got into the gowns..sat and waited to be put on the operation board things..and we all gave each other that knowing look. They gave me a general anaesthetic..Instead of counting backwards they kept me busy by making fun of my accent and before I knew it, it was all over..I woke up and I feel physically and emotionally lighter...it's uncomfortable to have to wear a sanitary pad and know that there will be a fair bit of blood but even so I felt relieved..half an hour later..I was free to go..for me it was over and I took my pain killers but overall didn't feel that much pain after it.....I've seen a lot of stories and people say they feel sad and regret their decision. I've seen the other side of it..where people say you're destroying human life and then God and religion are brought into it and apparently I'm now going to hell. I see it in black and white but I feel uneasy because I had a potential human life in my hands and because of me it is no more and I don't like it that I had that power to end it. I also feel bad that I don't feel any sadness or guilt or in fact any emotion I know with a 100% of my heart it was the right thing to do for me personally, I don't regret what I did and don't think I ever will..because I point blank refuse to bring a child into this world..if I can't give him or her everything..including a stable loving background, which they wouldn't get from my ex. I didn't get to have that either after my father was killed in a major terrorist attack, when I was at the tender age of 10 and life ever since hasn't been easy. I wouldn't encourage anyone to have a termination and I NEVER want to repeat that mistake again..but I wouldn't ever shun them or judge..

Editor's Comment

Thank you for writing in and describing your experience of a late abortion. Many regions have a limit on the gestation they will do late abortions, and after 20 weeks London is the main place for late surgical abortion. I can understand your desire to give a child a stable home, and it is probably something that everyone longs for. Unfortunately circumstances can change all the time, and what appears a very stable situation can change due to relationship breakdown, or tragedy like your own childhood situation. Another option for someone who cannot offer a stable home is adoption, and although difficult, this can be the right option for some women.
This story was sent in on 20/08/2011 and it's been viewed 9,475 times.

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