An abortion 5 years ago

By anonymous on 24/08/2011
I had an abortion on 16/08/06 I had only been with my now husband for 6 months so it was bit of a shock. When I had my abortion I was 8 1/2 weeks it was hard but I really wasn't well.

To this day I regret my actions I can't be around pregnant woman or babies without thinking that could have been me. We are trying for a baby now but it's hard as I am diabetic so need to get my sugar controlled before we can try; after a year and half I'm still not there, I can't help but feel that this is my way of being punished for what I did that day.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with this, for some people it doesn't affect them at all; some days I wish that was me. My only way to cope with it was to name my daughter, I always though it was going to be a boy but for some reason closer to the date I would have been due i felt like it was going to be a girl. I called her Jessica she would have been born on 20/03/07. Every year so far I have bought a card, written it, and a set of clothes, they are all in a box that I keep under my bed so they are next to me, some people might think this is too far, but to me it feels right, it helps me get on.

Don't feel as if it should all be kept a secret I had for so long and only in the last year have other people started to find out it is such a weight lifted and it gives me someone to talk to other than my parents and my husband. After I had my abortion I was in a bad place, I got put on antidepressants because I was cutting myself, not to kill myself, just to put myself through some pain as I felt like it's what I deserved.

The reason for me writing this is that it's all happened again. I started cutting my arm again last week all because my work mate told us all she was pregnant. Now I feel as if I have to give up my dreams till she comes back so it will be at least another 18 months before I can be a mum. I'm going back to doctors tomorrow for it all to start over again just over 5 years ago.

Girls don't give up on your dreams, don't get pushed into something that you really don't want to do, do what is right for you, you will always have someone out there to give you help if needed. Wish someone had told me that xx

Editor's Comment

I am sorry you have regreted the decision you made, and it is obviously still very painful for you. Your self harming behaviour expresses the extremely painful emotions you are suppressing, and I would encourage you to look at The Journey programme to try and work through some of the guilt, shame and regret that you are feeling. You don't need to keep punishing yourself for what has happened. I do believe you need to come to a place of forgiving yourself for what has happened. Your intense grief must have surfaced with the news of your work mate's pregnancy. If you would like to access some help and support find a centre for post abortion support in your area. for post abortion support. or call the national helpline to spaek to a trained advisor.

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