An abortion 5 years ago
To this day I regret my actions I can't be around pregnant woman or babies without thinking that could have been me. We are trying for a baby now but it's hard as I am diabetic so need to get my sugar controlled before we can try; after a year and half I'm still not there, I can't help but feel that this is my way of being punished for what I did that day.
Everyone has different ways of dealing with this, for some people it doesn't affect them at all; some days I wish that was me. My only way to cope with it was to name my daughter, I always though it was going to be a boy but for some reason closer to the date I would have been due i felt like it was going to be a girl. I called her Jessica she would have been born on 20/03/07. Every year so far I have bought a card, written it, and a set of clothes, they are all in a box that I keep under my bed so they are next to me, some people might think this is too far, but to me it feels right, it helps me get on.
Don't feel as if it should all be kept a secret I had for so long and only in the last year have other people started to find out it is such a weight lifted and it gives me someone to talk to other than my parents and my husband. After I had my abortion I was in a bad place, I got put on antidepressants because I was cutting myself, not to kill myself, just to put myself through some pain as I felt like it's what I deserved.
The reason for me writing this is that it's all happened again. I started cutting my arm again last week all because my work mate told us all she was pregnant. Now I feel as if I have to give up my dreams till she comes back so it will be at least another 18 months before I can be a mum. I'm going back to doctors tomorrow for it all to start over again just over 5 years ago.
Girls don't give up on your dreams, don't get pushed into something that you really don't want to do, do what is right for you, you will always have someone out there to give you help if needed. Wish someone had told me that xx