I named her before I went through with it as I wanted to say goodbye...
My partner, who I still adore, was "100% certain it was the right thing to do". He still believes that to this day even though I am still grieving. It would be her 2nd birthday on 15 May. I feel quite depressed and low. I thought things would be better by now and, as he put it, "Do you still think about it?" Yes, I do. Every single day. Many times a day. What if? If only. Yet I know we wouldn't still be together if I'd had the baby as we split up the night before the termination. It was his way of saying he wouldn't stand by me although he never said it. Actions speak louder than words. I kept him but I could have kept his baby. Ever since I have been thinking about getting pregnant again but this time I wouldn't tell him. I would even be prepared to split up over it as I want his baby so badly yet I know this is irrational as I would have the same concerns that drove me to have the abortion in the first place.
Physically it was the most horrendous act I will or have ever gone through. No doubt about it. I was advised I could have it done with no anaesthetic. The trauma and pain of the procedure is just as raw as the grief and loss. I regretted it immediately. I held my hands to my belly and said to myself, "Oh no, what have I done?" At least I said goodbye to her. I'm convinced it was a girl. I even had a dream the night after and she told me it was okay and she understood. That dream still haunts me and comforts me at the same time.
I believe now that every woman suffers after an abortion but they either cover it up or lie. I've hidden it too. I'm doing the same too. Perhaps we as a society need to be more open in order to prevent others ruining their lives and messing up their minds. I adore my partner and fortunately we are still together but I still wonder what our daughter would have been like, who she would have taken after etc. It hurts, it really does. Even 2 years later. I know I will never ever go through that experience again. I would rather kill myself than do it.
By the way, the abortion clinic stinks. They are murderers. If anyone is thinking of going there my advice would be to go with the NHS. They were awful to me and we even paid for the privilege! Love to you all. God bless. God forgives everyone and everything. I know that. Xxx
Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story…When I read your words, I hear many different feelings including sadness, sense of loss and grief. You seem to have a private and solitary place in your head where you go to remember your baby, find comfort in the dream you had and be in touch with your heart. You have been keeping the pain of your experience within the walls of your heart, haven’t you?
The other thing I notice about your story is the anger you have reserved solely for the clinic and no-one else. I don’t know what it was about the clinic that triggered your anger, but I think you may benefit from talking this through with a trained advisor. It would be an opportunity, too, for someone who understands to acknowledge the grief and loss you feel.
If you haven’t yet heard about or completed ‘The Journey’ post-abortion recovery programme, then I would recommend it for you. Contact a local centre, the helpline or Online Advisor. The recovery programme is free. If you have completed the programme, then you may benefit from going on ‘The Journey’ recovery weekend to consolidate the counselling you’ve had. See the home page of this site for details.
I know there is more for you. We’ll be thinking of you at this anniversary time.