We had to abort but I didn't want to go through with it

My boyfriend and I decided a few months back that we wanted a baby, and so we tried and on my birthday this year I discovered I was in fact pregnant, 5 weeks :) I was soo happy, I was finally going to be the mum I've always wanted to be.

For years I was convinced I was unable to have children, and spent many a night crying and worrying that it'd never happen to me.

I used to get so jealous of other people, seeing them holding their beautiful babies, and pregnant ladies all excited buying clothes, and prams and picking out wallpaper and names.

After 2 days of excitement, my boyfriend revealed that he was terrified

He had just lost his job, we had no money and no-where to live.

It was then that we decided we had to abort, I didn't want to go through with it, and cried for days and days.

I cried all the way through my doctors appointments, I cried myself to sleep. I kept telling myself it was all for the best and that it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into the world with nothing.

I cried through the scan, I cried in the hospital, I even cried in theatre. I cried when I woke up, when I got home, when I went to bed, I even woke up in the night and started crying.

I regret this decision with all my heart and I wish I could take it all back

I destroyed my unborn baby, I took it's innocent life away, I had so desperately wanted this baby for so long. And within a few minutes, s/he was gone.

I have now decided that I will never have children, I was given my chance, and I ruined it. How can I ever have another baby knowing I killed what would have been my first born.

Even without money, s/he would have been loved more than anything, he would have given me reason for breathing. My little baby, that no-one could ever harm or take away from me.

I feel like a complete monster.

I loved and still do love my baby, and I am so sorry for what I have done. I have to live with my decision for the rest of my life.

Please think about all the other options first if you are considering an abortion. It is the biggest regret of my life.

I love you little baby button.

xxxxxxxxx

This story was sent in on 15/09/2011 and it's been viewed 891 times.

Editor's comment

It is very sad that you felt you had to have an abortion after planning your pregnancy, and being so excited about it. I can understand you and your boyfriend panicking about money and being able to provide for your baby, and perhaps abortion felt the responsible choice given your circumstances.

It is hard to live with the regret you are feeling about the decision you have made. I hope you will follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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